Memory Drive

I was told about a week and a half ago that I have to be out of my living arrangement by the end of the month, which gave me about two and a half weeks to get my stuff together and get the fuck out.

In packing up my garage, I came across the ex's box. You know... that box where you throw all their shit in it so that you don't have to look at it in your room anymore. Anyways, I came across this email that was written to me about three years ago. At the time, it was so special that I printed it out (in color! For a college student that's big $$) and even bought a frame for it.

Little bit of background about yours truly. I had that one love at 18 where the rest of the world just melts away. I blog'd about this love previously - he's my emotional baggage. The love that makes ya humble. Anyways, this guy happened to be serving in the military before and at the time of our final break up. It was rough being 18 and loving someone so much, not being able to see them, and worrying day in and day out about not just how they're doing, but hoping that they're still alive. Just one more phone call, just one more email. Anyways, now that you've all got the background it's onto the email.

_____________________________________________________________________

From: The Guy in the Military
To: Anonymous Defender
Subject: So weird....
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002

Anonymous Defender,

It's 10:00 PM here, and I cannot sleep. Things running through my head about us, about our situation, about my issues with my past.

At 9:55 PM every night, they do the 'evening prayer' over the 1MC. Normally, it's something pretty basic. But tonight, it was different... I can still remember it, so I'm going to type it before I forget it...

CHAPLAIN:
"Tonight, our prayer comes about from a letter that was written by a child to his father. In the letter, the child writes 'Dad, why does Mom always get mad at you when I do something wrong?' The father wrote back and said, 'Son... it's because your mom misses me...' Lord, a lot has been going on back home... please bless us with tender words and thanks for those who love us, and support us during our absense... in Your Holy name.. Amen."

Anonymous Defender, everything you have done for me... all the times you've been there for me... all the times you've put up with me... and stuck by me... all the times you've set me straight... all the times you've been patient with me... all the times you stayed strong even though I'm about to push you over the edge... all the times you've calmed me down... all the times you've made me see what's really going on around me... all the times you've told me how proud of me you are.... all the times you've told me you love me... all the times you've waited for me... all the times you've sent me signs of care... all the times you've sent me essentials... all the times you've sent me reminders of your love and dedication... Thank you.

For the times we've laughed... for the times we've cried... for the times we've kissed... for the times we cuddled... for the times we've made love... for the times we've made fun of assholes at a restaurant in Woodland.... for the times we pondered the cheesy bread at Cattin's.... for the times we watched game shows and discussed the condition of our legs.... for the days with your family... for the times just doin' nothing, enjoying eachother's company.... for the times outside smoking, pondering the meaning of life.... for the times when we would part.... for the times we would reunite.... for the moments we've shared.... for the lives we've touched (eachother's) ... for the tears... for the pain... and ultimately for the joy... Thank you.

For your love... For your support.... For you... Thank you :)

I love you, baby.... We'll make this work... This I promise....

Forever,

The Guy in the Military

_____________________________________________________________________


It was hard going through that, and at the time of this particular fight it was comforting to know that he was able to see me bend but know that I wasn't breaking. To know that he understood (even though he didn't voice it) that I had dedicated a big chunk of my life to his well being. That's probably why it was so hard to break up with him.

I've gone through more of his stuff now. I feel the need to tell my family that I'm saving it all up so I can ship him the ashes, but I'd never do that. I'm not vindictive like that, nor do I have the desire to burn good memories, even if they are mixed in with the bad ones.

Since I had to work, my sister did a majority of the packing. I told her to get all of his stuff together and mail it to his mom's house since the guy doesn't seem to have a stable residence anymore. About 10 minutes later after I had typed up that email I decided that I wanted to keep some of it. With what recently happened between us, I'm still a little irritated. I'm not mad, just irked. I feel another girl was put in the forefront. Like he knew that I would stick around which is why he pushed me to the side. And, like I said in a previous blog, I think we finally grew out of each other. It's a weight being lifted off of your shoulders when you realize that you no longer have to pine for someone; but on the flip side, your pining has been noticed and discarded. I guess what I'm trying to say it's that it's a relief and an entirely new burden all at once.

The Guy In The Military is also on MySpace. My sister and I were dinking around on there a few nights ago and she saw his picture on there and told me to get into his profile, so I did. The first thing that came out of her mouth was "WTF happened to him, he looks like he needs to take a shower!". I thought that was pretty funny. The guy could've looked like the elephant man, but I wouldn't have cared because he was such a wonderful human being. It didn't hurt that he was pretty good looking, too. But he has just morphed into something that I can't really put a finger on.

Maybe he's going though his teenage rebellion years at 22? He was in such a conservative spot for so long that he's really testing out his liberal roots? It's just not something that I understand, but it's the way he's chosen to live his life, and even if I don't agree with it, I have to learn to respect it. I'm glad that he found a woman that could give him the things that he wanted. The woman that he chose is 100% opposite from me. This may be a throwback to the good ol' years, but I believe that moving in with someone shouldn't be about money, it should be about love/committment/respect, etc. and she's already talking about moving in with him. It's been about a month and a half-ish since they've been together. I know they're already sleeping with each other, but that comes from the experience of sleeping with him over a span of 4 years... he gets a way about him when he's gotten a piece. That seems a little crude, but I cant think of any other way to describe it. She's wiccan and has piercings everywhere, she bi, and she dyes her hair purple. Now, before you start believing that I care about the things that she does or the way that she is... I don't. I'm just trying to point out the ways that we're different. He just seems to move in with any girl that he seems to like and/or love. Hell, he was dating his rebound girl (from me) for a week before he moved in with her. He got out of the relationship with her, before we decided to give it a go, 2 weeks after that he decided to not give it a go and started dating this other girl. Slow down, man! Try and be single for just a little bit, you might like it.

I kind of lost track about my whole point in this. I'm glad that my heart is done with him, but that doesn't mean that I want to trash all of our memories. Damn, I had a lot of first's with him. I'm happy that he's found someone else, but disappointed that he didn't find what he wanted in me, but glad that I don't have the tiniest inclination to morph into what he wants. I'm happy that I grew the fuck up, realized that it was a perfect match at 17 but a terrible match at 21. I think I'm finally ready to actually get into a relationship with someone again. One that lasts longer than a Domino's commercial.

Happy fuckin Holidays

Now, do I think that Christmas is a good thing? Yes.

Do I think that Christmas is all about the Jesus? No.

Do I like Christmas? I do.

Do I want Christmas to come around? I don't.

Regardless of what others think, I'll tell you that I believe Christmas is one of the best things that Americans can celebrate. Not only does it stimulate the economy before everyone closes out their books and perpetuate pain in the ass kids to be even more pain in the ass... but it really is a time for giving and for enjoying what you've been able to share with others.

So, in the true Anonymous Defender holiday spirit I'll offer these words. You can use them for toast speeches if you like.

I really hope that everyone understands and appreciates the gifts that the world has bestowed upon them, regardless of who you believe your creator is. It doesn't matter what faith you follow or if you even celebrate around this time of year. For everyone, please remember to thank those that have helped you and to find enough courage in your heart to forgive those that have fucked ya over. Opening our hearts and homes to others is the single most precious gift we can offer others. At this time of year, I'm delighted (and I'm not delighted easily) to see the warmth and generosity that everyone seems to give and receive. The courage to love blindly is a powerful force and we are at the spot on the calender where everyone, not as a nation or a specific group, but everyone seems to love. Being a person that can see that in the eyes of others, hear it on the phone, or read it in the notes and well wishes on cards is a beautiful thing.

Happy Holidays and the best wishes on our upcoming year. May 2005 be a year to remember, and 2006 a year to never forget.

I'm extremely irritated.

I can't fully pinpoint the cause. It's been quite a while since I determined that I work too much, that I think about work too much and that work bleeds into my non work life entirely too much. I just ditched a 'date' by saying that I had to work. Which is true, it's a lunch date and I rarely get a lunch. But there's more to it.

I think I'm more irritated with myself by what I just did than being irritated with anyone else or my surroundings. Why did I ditch this date? Let's start off with how I got the date.

I joined eharmony.com. It was $100 and I randomly had a $100 bill laying with nothing better to do. Figured that it couldn't hurt... anything disastrous happened then I'd have more to write about. There was this really nice guy. We played the rules and went through the 'stages' and started emailing back and forth. Then, the ball dropped - he had myspace! Of course, I was already logged into it. I hit search and typed in the name from his email. Now, I've emailed back and forth with this guy for maybe a week. I read through his profile and then clicked on the pictures he had uploaded. He had 3 on there from eharmony.com and a few others. God, I feel like such a bitch. I called it off because he was a big guy. Big guy. No funny quips or jokes, because it's not funny. He was just big to the point where it was obviously unhealthy. I feel like I have enough of my own damn weight problems that I can't take on someone else's too. But he never asked me to. In fact, he never asked me anything - I suggested lunch.

Now, my weight issues are weird ones. Not the typical Oh My God I'm a Fattie! cries that you hear from other women. I was a big sports player when I was a kid. I wasn't very good at it, but I still enjoyed it. I got hurt, I stopped playing... my muscle turned to flab. I had a lot of muscle too. I looked like a manly soccer player because my legs were huge and my back had ripples in it when I flexed - but that still happens even though I'm not quite as shapely.

My point is, that I don't care about being 'big', I care about being healthy. I've slipped into some really bad habits that have deteriorated my health. I've always been a smoker (I'm no quitter!), so that's nothing new. Was smoking since I was 16. I got into the habit of eating large meals very late at night, or my first meal being dinner. Of eating fast good on the go, consuming massive amounts of soda. As my stress level increased, my tobacco and caffeine consumption increased astronomically. All of it lead to just fat. Fat began accumulating where it never went before. I was buying new bra's every 1-2 months because my chest was no longer considered 'proportionate' with the rest of my body. All of the sudden, I was buying bigger and bigger clothes and fitting less and less into my other clothes.

I know that I'm a big girl. And I'm a pain in the ass about exercising and eating right. I cut out a majority of the junk, but I can't break my old habits. I'm so drained when I get out of work that I don't even THINK about going to the gym. And honestly, if I cared THAT much about it, I'd do something about it.

So yeah, I think that's it. Sure, I'm about ready to quit my job, hawk my jewelry and move to some 3rd world county. My car needs a tune up. My cat is shedding like crazy. My dog keeps bleeding for some unknown fucking reason. The house can't retain any sort of heat (just WAITING to get the power bill), and I spilled coffee on myself today. But I think that's why I'm irritated- ever since I saw that picture I've been thinking of ways to get out of this lunch date. And who the fuck am I to talk? No, I don't need to cut out 90% of my stomach due to life endangering obesity, but it wouldn't hurt to put my fat ass on a stairmaster 3 times a week. Have I became the person that I hate - the one that judges people solely on their appearance. or am I just starting to realize that the way a person presents themselves to the world is more telling about their character than their believe.

Girls that apply make up with a spatula have issues, or men that wear mascara. Men with calf implants, women with everything-else implants. Men that can't seem to iron their khakis before they put them on, or women that have chipped finger nail polish. The man or woman that is neatly pressed, even down to their flat-ironed hair extensions. But what does fat say to the world?

"Hi, I'm Becky and I have an underactive thyroid!"
"Hi, I'm Brad and I have no girlfriend so I take solace in Krispy Kreme"
"Hi, I'm Jackie and I have no self control so I binge and purge"
"Hi, I'm Jason and I have diabetes so I can't control my weight"

I mean, we can stereo type the immaculate collection people, the people that can't live with what God gave 'em, the people that just don't give a damn, and the people that give way too much of a damn. What do we say about fat people? They're ugly, for sure... but why?

Why are we instantly outcast by our appearance? What is it about us that makes us lepers of society? And why, did a card carrying member of the Fatty Club do what I so drastically detest to another?

Standing Too Close to Desperate Without a Protective Suit

I had to give Carolyn Hax some credit for the title.

If anyone hasn't had the pleasure of doing so - log on to washingtonpost.com and look oher up. She writes a column every few days (think it's 3x/week). About a year ago, I heard that she had compiled a book. Newspaper columnists rarely write a book, they compile from articles past into one nifty package. She has interesting topics - like the one I've stolen to use as a title as well as others. Some of my favorite are - "Reading Relationship Books or Otherwise Training to Date"; "Hating Yourself" and "Having Sex Before You Mean It".

As per usual - I'm in a state of insomnia. Which usually makes me gravitate towards books and computer geekiness. Tonight, I've accomplished both.

Which brings me to the subject line - Standing Too Close to Desperate Without a Protective Suit. The full title reads: Being Desperate, Seeming Desperate or Standing Too Close to Desperate without a Protective Suit.

And, in the ever so obvious sequence of the way my mind works it made me wonder: Am I desperate? If so, desperate for what?

This blog seems to be all about admissions - to the world and to myself. In blogging spirit, I'll admit that I don't like being single as much as I portray myself to be. Sure, I'm single for a reason but there are reasons out there of why I'm single that aren't really in my control.

I work too much and I allow work to be too involved in my day to day non-work life. I've grown to be extremely independant and some men just flat out don't like that. I'm not the kind of girl that you show off as arm candy. I'm a lot of work.

I do have qualities that men like, however they can't seem to break through the exterior in order to view those qualities. I've got a big heart. My work ethic is comparable to none. I'm generous with time, love, and affection. I've got a good head on my shoulders.

Why can't I seem to get a guy to look twice at me? Am I giving off the desperate vibes that Carolyn advises against? Do I complain to anyone and everyone how much I don't have a boyfriend? Do I rely on the opinions of other people so much that it hinders my own judgement in what is a good and bad situation? Do I have ((gasp)) codependency issues?

Taking a discerning eye at these questions - I say no. Emotional baggage is something I'm not short of, but I'm well adjusted enough to recognize my own faults. Admitting them openly is another story. I think it's very simple for me to determine what the whole 'problem' is. I'm not pretty/skinny/busty/cheek-boney/high-heely enough for what everyone else seems to think is attractive and I'm too accustomed to being on my own in my singleness. Is there a finger to point or a person to blame? You tell me.

I don't want the muscled hunk o' man that every other girl seems to go ga-ga over. My last few boyfriends have varied in appearances greatly. One is dark, tall and skinny. The other blond, short, and pudgy. The kind of person that I'm attracted to varies significantly. It makes me wonder....

Am I desperate enough to change my 'type' and date whomever is interested in me or am I well adjusted enough to know that in a bout of personality vs. looks - personality wins. Hands down. Have I stood so close to Desperate, without actually going there, that my protective suit has diminished? Did I catch the bug?

I hate it when that happens.

Holiday Cheer

I'm starting to think that I don't have any. At all. Not even a bit.

Is it terrible that I don't put up a Christmas tree or lights? My presents are stacked neatly on the kitchen table that I haven't used in months. Some are in boxes by the door so that I can bring them to work to pass out to colleagues and friends that I see during the day. I have enough cheer to give presents, but what does it say that my only cheer for the holidays centers around gifts?

I guess the only good thing is that it's not centered around me receiving gifts. I haven't even really figured out what I'd like for Christmas. I did get a new 19 inch flat screen monitor, but I was told it was for 'last Christmas' because the giver was pressed for cash. No big deal, I didn't bring it up because that's not what Christmas is about. Receiving, that is.

Christmas really is about giving. In a time where Christmas has evolved from a Christian holiday into an American tradition it seems to be less and less about giving and more and more about receiving. What exactly fills your heart about getting gifts? Now, this may not be the most popular choice or emotion but I honestly get a kick out of giving gifts. When I can show people that I honestly do care about them, it's a wonderful feeling. Not how much money I spent, or how many gifts that they have recieved from me. Just the knowledge.

What does it say that I don't put up lights or a tree... or does it say anything at all? I'm single - don't have anyone to share the joy of the Holidays with. I'm 21 - just getting away from the influence of parents trying to spread the cheer. I don't have kids - I don't need to create that magical kind of world like my parents did for me.

Am I a grouch or a realist? Honestly... who needs the trees and the lights? If Christmas is about giving, then what's the point of tangled strands of lights or messy pine needles? Is Christmas cheer more than lights, trees and giving? Is there an element that I've totally bypassed in my 21 years?

Emotional Baggage Pt 1.

I don't see why people think that I have no emotional baggage. They are in shock when I tell them such revealing items. Like, my father went to prison when I was 8; or my mother cheated on my father which broke up their marriage; that I cry every time I get yelled at because it reminds me of my family screaming at each other; or that I have consistently been in love with one person since I was the ripe old age of 14.

And it's that last one that prompts me to blog this. That, and it's an inside look for all you doubters. But don't worry - I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for me. I need to get some stuff off my chest.

We had a rough past. Never living within the same city limits for seven years. Being with him for 2 good years, but only seeing him for about 21 days during those 2 years because of residence and deployments and college. The first time we had sex was pretty funny, in retrospect... rushing down to the hospital, sitting at Sherri's in Portland at 3 am smoking because we were so nervous and didn't care if we got kicked out. Heh - ch-chink ch-chink ch-chink. Crouching Honda, Hidden Anonymous Defender. No matter how rough the times were, how shaky and insecure we were, we always felt that stability with the other person.

I describe him as my opposite puzzle piece. What one lacks, the other has in abundance. Opposites attract. Lord help him balance a checkbook or budget his money, but he would've been the one striking up conversations about toilet paper and cucumbers in the checkout line at the grocery store. It's like taking a straight line and a wavy line and smashing them together to create a flow. That was him to me.

And I fucked it up. The girl that doesn't make mistakes... or at least the girl that isn't allowed to make a mistake.

I lost my temper and threw it all away. The vision of us actually getting married; the thought of us actually living within the same city limits; I had almost convinced you that I loved you enough to start a family in the distant future. Waking up to you in an actual bed that was part of a real house instead of waking up next to you in a hotel room in whatever city one of us happened to fly into that weekend. It was hard to get you to really understand that I didn't dream of big houses and a new car every year with you; that my desire was not about how much we could attain in the shortest period of time. I really just wanted the little things... like our drivers license issued in the same state.

You made me pay attention to things that I was in the habit of discarding. I now listen to the words in music and not just sing along to them. There are so many songs that pop up in my head when I think about you. Sunday Morning by Maroon 5; Don't Look Back by Antigone Rising; Say That You Love Me by Fleetwood Mac; King of Sorrow by Sade; Landslide by Dixie Chicks. All I ever wanted was to have a really nice Sunday morning with you. I've heard so many times that you were leaving that if you're really going to leave this time, don't look back and just get out. I wondered if you were just saying that you loved me when I was with you last time. I feel like I'm the one crying everyone's tears in this relationship. I've been afraid to evolve because I built everything around you. The whole spectrum.

I wish that you would've let me just consider our last thing a poor case of judgement. I got drunk, you were still in bed, and I kinda slept with my ex-boyfriend. I wish that would've been the situation. Now, I'm stuck here questioning my own intentions with that job in Seattle. Was I doing it for me like I had originally thought, or was I doing it for you? I wish that I could get you out of my head. But ever since that fateful "Hey, anybody like WWF?" comment, I've been stuck. I wish that I could find someone else as easily as you've been able to discard me. I'm going for that job in Seattle because of me and my boys by the way - I've had some time to think about it.

The fact is that I was convinced that only "The One" would have dragged me through all of this with me still standing. Only the person that was meant to share the rest of my life would be the one that can bring me to such fantastical highs and dramatic lows. That one individual would be the one to save me from myself.

Now what?

I maintain that you are well within your God given rights to see whomever you please. Oddly enough, I'm going to be the last one to stop you from walking out the door. You see, it's a different kind of love and I'm starting to realize that now. It's not the love that makes you leap off of towers, or sing in the rain, or even write home about. It's the love that makes you walk away, swallow your pride, have a coke and a smile. It's love that makes you humble. Makes you stop the chaos and dance in the kitchen, turn the music up and the windows down, stay in bed on a weekday, watch British Parliament on CSPAN at 1 a.m.

I am the girl that bites her bottom lip, we both know it and I saw the blog. I think we're really over this time. Two years ago I would've been heart broken and despondent. But now I'm older, maybe a bit wiser too. I've learned that things happen for a reason. I'll never be ready to get you out of my system, but might be a good idea to start trying. Oh, and this wouldn't be complete without this bit of advice that will go un-heeded: Stay single for just a little bit longer. You jump from one relationship to another and always want to be single. Try it out for a while, learn how to fly solo and you'll be a better man.

I've waited 7 years for you to make a grand gesture. I'm not going to wait anymore. Be happy, and don't fuck it up this time around. Don't keep her at arms length. Don't make her feel special only when she's in your presence, make her feel special when she's out of eyesight too. If you end up loving her, tell her more times than she wants to hear it. Don't shut her out when things are rough. Be man enough to let her help when she can, and man enough to help her when she can't. Enjoy your life, and if you don't start using your head for something worthwhile, I'll use it as a soccer ball. Get up for class in the morning, dammit.

From the time I started writing this, to the time I've stopped writing this I've been able to nail it down. We finally grew out of each other. Only I don't think it happened until just recently. I'll always be the hard ass business-minded woman that runs her life like a corporation and follows the rules just to fall for the tattooed and pierced guy... funniest part is that you have neither. You're just not that guy-to-be anymore; and I'm no longer the girl that you used to be attracted to. I thought I'd be in a funk about this for a while, and am suprised that I'm not... happy that I'm not, too. For so long I held you as the measuring stick for all other men that passed into my life and now I think I'm done. Hell, I even surpassed my own expectations... I broke up with someone before we even really started dating. Anonymous Defender 1, World 0.

So, to whom this is addressed to - and you know who you are - let's make a toast: To ex-flames, good sex, pool tables with jager, reasons to hate Dubya and even more reasons to love Harry. Have a good life, don't be a stranger, and don't think that I ever want to hear about your new girlfriend because I'm cool, but I'm not that fuckin cool.

Everyone else can toast too... you just might not know what it means

Me vs. Christmas

Ok.
I LOVE Christmas. And not because I get a lot of stuff, because I don't. My family isn't rolling in the big bucks (regardless of whomever thinks we're the Italian mafia) and we -honestly- have a better time sitting down to big dinner and rankin on everyone than opening presents... it's just the way we are.

I adore giving gifts. I like searching for hours to find that ONE fantastic gift for that one person. More so for the fact that I want to give that person the understanding that I do care enough to search high and low for a gift that I sat down and put in serious thought. That's just the way -I- am, and always will be.

Christmas has gotten to be so fucking expensive it's not even funny. I just laid down about $900 in gifts tonight. Granted, I do all of my shopping online because if there's one thing I won't do for gift-giving it's going to a mall. And I figure that I can search around and scout out the best price. Also, I work really damn hard for my money so I'm not going to piss it away by just buying whatever I see on Amazon. Although Amazon got a big chunk of my cash today :( Overstock and Lush were about equal in their amounts.

So, I'm sitting here before I need to go to bed and I'm freaking out about how much money I just spent. I've had a good November so far, I've worked a lot of hours. So I'm not too worried about paying it off, I'll pay it off eventually. I just always seem to have months where I hemorrhage money >.< I think I'm more aggravated that I still have the 'big gifts' to buy. My sister wants something installed in her car, my dad wants a treadmill, my aunt wants some kitchen appliance... the list goes on. I wish I could go back to being a kid, where it was so sweet if I bought my mom a candy cane and that was it.

I guess the saying is true... the less you make, the happier you are. Granted, poor people don't believe that. But I was happy when I pulled in a $300 paycheck. $300 doesn't do a whole lot for me anymore.

The shitty part is that I don't even mind spending the money.

Non Dating Sites and the People That Cruise for Hotties

I don't have to change any names to protect the innocent, although I probably wouldn't if I had to.


Date: Nov 28, 2005 12:04 AM
Subject: Hello Beautiful Lady
Body:
Hello How are u ? My name is joe , 34 Italian & Irish , living in vegas also,, I just wanted to say hello to U a very beautiful woman,, Might u like to chat some ?

Guess where I got this message from? That's right, my new fave addiction - MySpace.

It would be understandable if a big irish and italian guy came up to me on say... Match.com or Hell - even JDate (good thing Jews dont believe in Hell). But I got it from MySpace. Even better is that I don't have my profile tagged as looking for dating. Networking and Friends only. I'm single and enjoyably so... to the extent that single white girls can be at least. My point is this - I'm single for a reason, and I'm staying so for a reason as well. If I did decide that I'd like a man for more than a week, I'd go out and find one.

I'll find my men the old fashioned way - face down at the bar. Thank you very much.

Since this whole blog thing is to get stuff out of my head, I'll let everyone know what I don't understand. Why the fuck are you going to be searching profiles or inquiring about others with a medium that is not designed for it.

I'll even go as far as admitting my 2nd fave addiction - online gaming. If I say 'WOOT!' who will understand me? Only those of you that shine your Geek Badge every night before you go to bed like I do. I'll explain more in a few paragraphs.

Now, apparently a few weeks ago a girlfriend of mine set up a Match.com thing for me and set it with my anonymous email address... lots of freaks on Match.com by the way. But Match.com is one of those places where you're SUPPOSED to meet others and wink at them and post face shots because you think your gut hangs out in that shirt or whatever. Who cares. But it's that type of thing - it's sole purpose is to do JUST THAT. Same thing with jdate.com and all those other ones.

I came across a BBW dating site the other day. I admire those with the contrarian point of view, that don't follow the stick figure society ideal of a man or woman ... but there's standing up for your beliefs and then there's exploitation. There's a difference between trying to find a date with a limited pool of people that are attracted to your body type vs posting pictures of the 60lbs of belly fat that you've been carrying around for 10 years. Just because you're fat, it doesn't make you a BBW. To be a BBW, you actually have to represent the letters: Big, Beautiful Woman for you twigs out there.

So far we've got MySpace - a medium that isn't designed for dating, but merely implements it on a very minute scale.

Online Gaming is really fun. You get to kick the shit out of stuff, or even other people. It's addictive like crack if you're not careful. There was a kid that jumped off of a roof and got killed trying to reenact something that his pixelated self accomplished in a game. There was that guy in South Korea that gamed for 50 hours straight and then died of a heart attack in his chair at the internet cafe. It's dangerous if you don't pay attention. It's a release from reality - just like zoning into a TV show or into the story line in a book. It is not, however, a replacement for human interaction.

You create a character and you end up emulating that character. Most people even customize the looks of the character to themselves... down to the eye color. The funny thing is, that if you're a female character all the men characters give you money and stuff for free. The men characters have to fend for themselves. As you 'grow up' or level, you meet new characters and find your way around and what not. For the socially inept, this seems to be a 'dating scene'.

I live in a town that is extremely popular for tourists. Because of that, I was able to meet a lot of the people that I just happened to become familiar with in my travels through an unreal land. It was cool - until a few of them thought that more was going to happen. Sorry to disappoint. Step to the back of the bus. Mace is your only other option.

I think it's pretty funny that some people are so afraid to interact with others that they go through so many different channels to do so anonymously. Hey, I'm the Anonymous Defender. Guess where I got it. That's right, it's a name from the game. But it works. Would I join an online dating site? Sure... I don't see a problem with it. Will I cruise message boards about car parts for a cute guy that likes to work with his hands... no.