Memory Drive
I was told about a week and a half ago that I have to be out of my living arrangement by the end of the month, which gave me about two and a half weeks to get my stuff together and get the fuck out.
In packing up my garage, I came across the ex's box. You know... that box where you throw all their shit in it so that you don't have to look at it in your room anymore. Anyways, I came across this email that was written to me about three years ago. At the time, it was so special that I printed it out (in color! For a college student that's big $$) and even bought a frame for it.
Little bit of background about yours truly. I had that one love at 18 where the rest of the world just melts away. I blog'd about this love previously - he's my emotional baggage. The love that makes ya humble. Anyways, this guy happened to be serving in the military before and at the time of our final break up. It was rough being 18 and loving someone so much, not being able to see them, and worrying day in and day out about not just how they're doing, but hoping that they're still alive. Just one more phone call, just one more email. Anyways, now that you've all got the background it's onto the email.
_____________________________________________________________________
From: The Guy in the Military
To: Anonymous Defender
Subject: So weird....
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002
Anonymous Defender,
It's 10:00 PM here, and I cannot sleep. Things running through my head about us, about our situation, about my issues with my past.
At 9:55 PM every night, they do the 'evening prayer' over the 1MC. Normally, it's something pretty basic. But tonight, it was different... I can still remember it, so I'm going to type it before I forget it...
CHAPLAIN:
"Tonight, our prayer comes about from a letter that was written by a child to his father. In the letter, the child writes 'Dad, why does Mom always get mad at you when I do something wrong?' The father wrote back and said, 'Son... it's because your mom misses me...' Lord, a lot has been going on back home... please bless us with tender words and thanks for those who love us, and support us during our absense... in Your Holy name.. Amen."
Anonymous Defender, everything you have done for me... all the times you've been there for me... all the times you've put up with me... and stuck by me... all the times you've set me straight... all the times you've been patient with me... all the times you stayed strong even though I'm about to push you over the edge... all the times you've calmed me down... all the times you've made me see what's really going on around me... all the times you've told me how proud of me you are.... all the times you've told me you love me... all the times you've waited for me... all the times you've sent me signs of care... all the times you've sent me essentials... all the times you've sent me reminders of your love and dedication... Thank you.
For the times we've laughed... for the times we've cried... for the times we've kissed... for the times we cuddled... for the times we've made love... for the times we've made fun of assholes at a restaurant in Woodland.... for the times we pondered the cheesy bread at Cattin's.... for the times we watched game shows and discussed the condition of our legs.... for the days with your family... for the times just doin' nothing, enjoying eachother's company.... for the times outside smoking, pondering the meaning of life.... for the times when we would part.... for the times we would reunite.... for the moments we've shared.... for the lives we've touched (eachother's) ... for the tears... for the pain... and ultimately for the joy... Thank you.
For your love... For your support.... For you... Thank you :)
I love you, baby.... We'll make this work... This I promise....
Forever,
The Guy in the Military
_____________________________________________________________________
It was hard going through that, and at the time of this particular fight it was comforting to know that he was able to see me bend but know that I wasn't breaking. To know that he understood (even though he didn't voice it) that I had dedicated a big chunk of my life to his well being. That's probably why it was so hard to break up with him.
I've gone through more of his stuff now. I feel the need to tell my family that I'm saving it all up so I can ship him the ashes, but I'd never do that. I'm not vindictive like that, nor do I have the desire to burn good memories, even if they are mixed in with the bad ones.
Since I had to work, my sister did a majority of the packing. I told her to get all of his stuff together and mail it to his mom's house since the guy doesn't seem to have a stable residence anymore. About 10 minutes later after I had typed up that email I decided that I wanted to keep some of it. With what recently happened between us, I'm still a little irritated. I'm not mad, just irked. I feel another girl was put in the forefront. Like he knew that I would stick around which is why he pushed me to the side. And, like I said in a previous blog, I think we finally grew out of each other. It's a weight being lifted off of your shoulders when you realize that you no longer have to pine for someone; but on the flip side, your pining has been noticed and discarded. I guess what I'm trying to say it's that it's a relief and an entirely new burden all at once.
The Guy In The Military is also on MySpace. My sister and I were dinking around on there a few nights ago and she saw his picture on there and told me to get into his profile, so I did. The first thing that came out of her mouth was "WTF happened to him, he looks like he needs to take a shower!". I thought that was pretty funny. The guy could've looked like the elephant man, but I wouldn't have cared because he was such a wonderful human being. It didn't hurt that he was pretty good looking, too. But he has just morphed into something that I can't really put a finger on.
Maybe he's going though his teenage rebellion years at 22? He was in such a conservative spot for so long that he's really testing out his liberal roots? It's just not something that I understand, but it's the way he's chosen to live his life, and even if I don't agree with it, I have to learn to respect it. I'm glad that he found a woman that could give him the things that he wanted. The woman that he chose is 100% opposite from me. This may be a throwback to the good ol' years, but I believe that moving in with someone shouldn't be about money, it should be about love/committment/respect, etc. and she's already talking about moving in with him. It's been about a month and a half-ish since they've been together. I know they're already sleeping with each other, but that comes from the experience of sleeping with him over a span of 4 years... he gets a way about him when he's gotten a piece. That seems a little crude, but I cant think of any other way to describe it. She's wiccan and has piercings everywhere, she bi, and she dyes her hair purple. Now, before you start believing that I care about the things that she does or the way that she is... I don't. I'm just trying to point out the ways that we're different. He just seems to move in with any girl that he seems to like and/or love. Hell, he was dating his rebound girl (from me) for a week before he moved in with her. He got out of the relationship with her, before we decided to give it a go, 2 weeks after that he decided to not give it a go and started dating this other girl. Slow down, man! Try and be single for just a little bit, you might like it.
I kind of lost track about my whole point in this. I'm glad that my heart is done with him, but that doesn't mean that I want to trash all of our memories. Damn, I had a lot of first's with him. I'm happy that he's found someone else, but disappointed that he didn't find what he wanted in me, but glad that I don't have the tiniest inclination to morph into what he wants. I'm happy that I grew the fuck up, realized that it was a perfect match at 17 but a terrible match at 21. I think I'm finally ready to actually get into a relationship with someone again. One that lasts longer than a Domino's commercial.
In packing up my garage, I came across the ex's box. You know... that box where you throw all their shit in it so that you don't have to look at it in your room anymore. Anyways, I came across this email that was written to me about three years ago. At the time, it was so special that I printed it out (in color! For a college student that's big $$) and even bought a frame for it.
Little bit of background about yours truly. I had that one love at 18 where the rest of the world just melts away. I blog'd about this love previously - he's my emotional baggage. The love that makes ya humble. Anyways, this guy happened to be serving in the military before and at the time of our final break up. It was rough being 18 and loving someone so much, not being able to see them, and worrying day in and day out about not just how they're doing, but hoping that they're still alive. Just one more phone call, just one more email. Anyways, now that you've all got the background it's onto the email.
_____________________________________________________________________
From: The Guy in the Military
To: Anonymous Defender
Subject: So weird....
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002
Anonymous Defender,
It's 10:00 PM here, and I cannot sleep. Things running through my head about us, about our situation, about my issues with my past.
At 9:55 PM every night, they do the 'evening prayer' over the 1MC. Normally, it's something pretty basic. But tonight, it was different... I can still remember it, so I'm going to type it before I forget it...
CHAPLAIN:
"Tonight, our prayer comes about from a letter that was written by a child to his father. In the letter, the child writes 'Dad, why does Mom always get mad at you when I do something wrong?' The father wrote back and said, 'Son... it's because your mom misses me...' Lord, a lot has been going on back home... please bless us with tender words and thanks for those who love us, and support us during our absense... in Your Holy name.. Amen."
Anonymous Defender, everything you have done for me... all the times you've been there for me... all the times you've put up with me... and stuck by me... all the times you've set me straight... all the times you've been patient with me... all the times you stayed strong even though I'm about to push you over the edge... all the times you've calmed me down... all the times you've made me see what's really going on around me... all the times you've told me how proud of me you are.... all the times you've told me you love me... all the times you've waited for me... all the times you've sent me signs of care... all the times you've sent me essentials... all the times you've sent me reminders of your love and dedication... Thank you.
For the times we've laughed... for the times we've cried... for the times we've kissed... for the times we cuddled... for the times we've made love... for the times we've made fun of assholes at a restaurant in Woodland.... for the times we pondered the cheesy bread at Cattin's.... for the times we watched game shows and discussed the condition of our legs.... for the days with your family... for the times just doin' nothing, enjoying eachother's company.... for the times outside smoking, pondering the meaning of life.... for the times when we would part.... for the times we would reunite.... for the moments we've shared.... for the lives we've touched (eachother's) ... for the tears... for the pain... and ultimately for the joy... Thank you.
For your love... For your support.... For you... Thank you :)
I love you, baby.... We'll make this work... This I promise....
Forever,
The Guy in the Military
_____________________________________________________________________
It was hard going through that, and at the time of this particular fight it was comforting to know that he was able to see me bend but know that I wasn't breaking. To know that he understood (even though he didn't voice it) that I had dedicated a big chunk of my life to his well being. That's probably why it was so hard to break up with him.
I've gone through more of his stuff now. I feel the need to tell my family that I'm saving it all up so I can ship him the ashes, but I'd never do that. I'm not vindictive like that, nor do I have the desire to burn good memories, even if they are mixed in with the bad ones.
Since I had to work, my sister did a majority of the packing. I told her to get all of his stuff together and mail it to his mom's house since the guy doesn't seem to have a stable residence anymore. About 10 minutes later after I had typed up that email I decided that I wanted to keep some of it. With what recently happened between us, I'm still a little irritated. I'm not mad, just irked. I feel another girl was put in the forefront. Like he knew that I would stick around which is why he pushed me to the side. And, like I said in a previous blog, I think we finally grew out of each other. It's a weight being lifted off of your shoulders when you realize that you no longer have to pine for someone; but on the flip side, your pining has been noticed and discarded. I guess what I'm trying to say it's that it's a relief and an entirely new burden all at once.
The Guy In The Military is also on MySpace. My sister and I were dinking around on there a few nights ago and she saw his picture on there and told me to get into his profile, so I did. The first thing that came out of her mouth was "WTF happened to him, he looks like he needs to take a shower!". I thought that was pretty funny. The guy could've looked like the elephant man, but I wouldn't have cared because he was such a wonderful human being. It didn't hurt that he was pretty good looking, too. But he has just morphed into something that I can't really put a finger on.
Maybe he's going though his teenage rebellion years at 22? He was in such a conservative spot for so long that he's really testing out his liberal roots? It's just not something that I understand, but it's the way he's chosen to live his life, and even if I don't agree with it, I have to learn to respect it. I'm glad that he found a woman that could give him the things that he wanted. The woman that he chose is 100% opposite from me. This may be a throwback to the good ol' years, but I believe that moving in with someone shouldn't be about money, it should be about love/committment/respect, etc. and she's already talking about moving in with him. It's been about a month and a half-ish since they've been together. I know they're already sleeping with each other, but that comes from the experience of sleeping with him over a span of 4 years... he gets a way about him when he's gotten a piece. That seems a little crude, but I cant think of any other way to describe it. She's wiccan and has piercings everywhere, she bi, and she dyes her hair purple. Now, before you start believing that I care about the things that she does or the way that she is... I don't. I'm just trying to point out the ways that we're different. He just seems to move in with any girl that he seems to like and/or love. Hell, he was dating his rebound girl (from me) for a week before he moved in with her. He got out of the relationship with her, before we decided to give it a go, 2 weeks after that he decided to not give it a go and started dating this other girl. Slow down, man! Try and be single for just a little bit, you might like it.
I kind of lost track about my whole point in this. I'm glad that my heart is done with him, but that doesn't mean that I want to trash all of our memories. Damn, I had a lot of first's with him. I'm happy that he's found someone else, but disappointed that he didn't find what he wanted in me, but glad that I don't have the tiniest inclination to morph into what he wants. I'm happy that I grew the fuck up, realized that it was a perfect match at 17 but a terrible match at 21. I think I'm finally ready to actually get into a relationship with someone again. One that lasts longer than a Domino's commercial.
posted by Anonymous Defender at 10:18 PM
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