Standing Too Close to Desperate Without a Protective Suit

I had to give Carolyn Hax some credit for the title.

If anyone hasn't had the pleasure of doing so - log on to washingtonpost.com and look oher up. She writes a column every few days (think it's 3x/week). About a year ago, I heard that she had compiled a book. Newspaper columnists rarely write a book, they compile from articles past into one nifty package. She has interesting topics - like the one I've stolen to use as a title as well as others. Some of my favorite are - "Reading Relationship Books or Otherwise Training to Date"; "Hating Yourself" and "Having Sex Before You Mean It".

As per usual - I'm in a state of insomnia. Which usually makes me gravitate towards books and computer geekiness. Tonight, I've accomplished both.

Which brings me to the subject line - Standing Too Close to Desperate Without a Protective Suit. The full title reads: Being Desperate, Seeming Desperate or Standing Too Close to Desperate without a Protective Suit.

And, in the ever so obvious sequence of the way my mind works it made me wonder: Am I desperate? If so, desperate for what?

This blog seems to be all about admissions - to the world and to myself. In blogging spirit, I'll admit that I don't like being single as much as I portray myself to be. Sure, I'm single for a reason but there are reasons out there of why I'm single that aren't really in my control.

I work too much and I allow work to be too involved in my day to day non-work life. I've grown to be extremely independant and some men just flat out don't like that. I'm not the kind of girl that you show off as arm candy. I'm a lot of work.

I do have qualities that men like, however they can't seem to break through the exterior in order to view those qualities. I've got a big heart. My work ethic is comparable to none. I'm generous with time, love, and affection. I've got a good head on my shoulders.

Why can't I seem to get a guy to look twice at me? Am I giving off the desperate vibes that Carolyn advises against? Do I complain to anyone and everyone how much I don't have a boyfriend? Do I rely on the opinions of other people so much that it hinders my own judgement in what is a good and bad situation? Do I have ((gasp)) codependency issues?

Taking a discerning eye at these questions - I say no. Emotional baggage is something I'm not short of, but I'm well adjusted enough to recognize my own faults. Admitting them openly is another story. I think it's very simple for me to determine what the whole 'problem' is. I'm not pretty/skinny/busty/cheek-boney/high-heely enough for what everyone else seems to think is attractive and I'm too accustomed to being on my own in my singleness. Is there a finger to point or a person to blame? You tell me.

I don't want the muscled hunk o' man that every other girl seems to go ga-ga over. My last few boyfriends have varied in appearances greatly. One is dark, tall and skinny. The other blond, short, and pudgy. The kind of person that I'm attracted to varies significantly. It makes me wonder....

Am I desperate enough to change my 'type' and date whomever is interested in me or am I well adjusted enough to know that in a bout of personality vs. looks - personality wins. Hands down. Have I stood so close to Desperate, without actually going there, that my protective suit has diminished? Did I catch the bug?

I hate it when that happens.