I'm extremely irritated.
I can't fully pinpoint the cause. It's been quite a while since I determined that I work too much, that I think about work too much and that work bleeds into my non work life entirely too much. I just ditched a 'date' by saying that I had to work. Which is true, it's a lunch date and I rarely get a lunch. But there's more to it.
I think I'm more irritated with myself by what I just did than being irritated with anyone else or my surroundings. Why did I ditch this date? Let's start off with how I got the date.
I joined eharmony.com. It was $100 and I randomly had a $100 bill laying with nothing better to do. Figured that it couldn't hurt... anything disastrous happened then I'd have more to write about. There was this really nice guy. We played the rules and went through the 'stages' and started emailing back and forth. Then, the ball dropped - he had myspace! Of course, I was already logged into it. I hit search and typed in the name from his email. Now, I've emailed back and forth with this guy for maybe a week. I read through his profile and then clicked on the pictures he had uploaded. He had 3 on there from eharmony.com and a few others. God, I feel like such a bitch. I called it off because he was a big guy. Big guy. No funny quips or jokes, because it's not funny. He was just big to the point where it was obviously unhealthy. I feel like I have enough of my own damn weight problems that I can't take on someone else's too. But he never asked me to. In fact, he never asked me anything - I suggested lunch.
Now, my weight issues are weird ones. Not the typical Oh My God I'm a Fattie! cries that you hear from other women. I was a big sports player when I was a kid. I wasn't very good at it, but I still enjoyed it. I got hurt, I stopped playing... my muscle turned to flab. I had a lot of muscle too. I looked like a manly soccer player because my legs were huge and my back had ripples in it when I flexed - but that still happens even though I'm not quite as shapely.
My point is, that I don't care about being 'big', I care about being healthy. I've slipped into some really bad habits that have deteriorated my health. I've always been a smoker (I'm no quitter!), so that's nothing new. Was smoking since I was 16. I got into the habit of eating large meals very late at night, or my first meal being dinner. Of eating fast good on the go, consuming massive amounts of soda. As my stress level increased, my tobacco and caffeine consumption increased astronomically. All of it lead to just fat. Fat began accumulating where it never went before. I was buying new bra's every 1-2 months because my chest was no longer considered 'proportionate' with the rest of my body. All of the sudden, I was buying bigger and bigger clothes and fitting less and less into my other clothes.
I know that I'm a big girl. And I'm a pain in the ass about exercising and eating right. I cut out a majority of the junk, but I can't break my old habits. I'm so drained when I get out of work that I don't even THINK about going to the gym. And honestly, if I cared THAT much about it, I'd do something about it.
So yeah, I think that's it. Sure, I'm about ready to quit my job, hawk my jewelry and move to some 3rd world county. My car needs a tune up. My cat is shedding like crazy. My dog keeps bleeding for some unknown fucking reason. The house can't retain any sort of heat (just WAITING to get the power bill), and I spilled coffee on myself today. But I think that's why I'm irritated- ever since I saw that picture I've been thinking of ways to get out of this lunch date. And who the fuck am I to talk? No, I don't need to cut out 90% of my stomach due to life endangering obesity, but it wouldn't hurt to put my fat ass on a stairmaster 3 times a week. Have I became the person that I hate - the one that judges people solely on their appearance. or am I just starting to realize that the way a person presents themselves to the world is more telling about their character than their believe.
Girls that apply make up with a spatula have issues, or men that wear mascara. Men with calf implants, women with everything-else implants. Men that can't seem to iron their khakis before they put them on, or women that have chipped finger nail polish. The man or woman that is neatly pressed, even down to their flat-ironed hair extensions. But what does fat say to the world?
"Hi, I'm Becky and I have an underactive thyroid!"
"Hi, I'm Brad and I have no girlfriend so I take solace in Krispy Kreme"
"Hi, I'm Jackie and I have no self control so I binge and purge"
"Hi, I'm Jason and I have diabetes so I can't control my weight"
I mean, we can stereo type the immaculate collection people, the people that can't live with what God gave 'em, the people that just don't give a damn, and the people that give way too much of a damn. What do we say about fat people? They're ugly, for sure... but why?
Why are we instantly outcast by our appearance? What is it about us that makes us lepers of society? And why, did a card carrying member of the Fatty Club do what I so drastically detest to another?
I think I'm more irritated with myself by what I just did than being irritated with anyone else or my surroundings. Why did I ditch this date? Let's start off with how I got the date.
I joined eharmony.com. It was $100 and I randomly had a $100 bill laying with nothing better to do. Figured that it couldn't hurt... anything disastrous happened then I'd have more to write about. There was this really nice guy. We played the rules and went through the 'stages' and started emailing back and forth. Then, the ball dropped - he had myspace! Of course, I was already logged into it. I hit search and typed in the name from his email. Now, I've emailed back and forth with this guy for maybe a week. I read through his profile and then clicked on the pictures he had uploaded. He had 3 on there from eharmony.com and a few others. God, I feel like such a bitch. I called it off because he was a big guy. Big guy. No funny quips or jokes, because it's not funny. He was just big to the point where it was obviously unhealthy. I feel like I have enough of my own damn weight problems that I can't take on someone else's too. But he never asked me to. In fact, he never asked me anything - I suggested lunch.
Now, my weight issues are weird ones. Not the typical Oh My God I'm a Fattie! cries that you hear from other women. I was a big sports player when I was a kid. I wasn't very good at it, but I still enjoyed it. I got hurt, I stopped playing... my muscle turned to flab. I had a lot of muscle too. I looked like a manly soccer player because my legs were huge and my back had ripples in it when I flexed - but that still happens even though I'm not quite as shapely.
My point is, that I don't care about being 'big', I care about being healthy. I've slipped into some really bad habits that have deteriorated my health. I've always been a smoker (I'm no quitter!), so that's nothing new. Was smoking since I was 16. I got into the habit of eating large meals very late at night, or my first meal being dinner. Of eating fast good on the go, consuming massive amounts of soda. As my stress level increased, my tobacco and caffeine consumption increased astronomically. All of it lead to just fat. Fat began accumulating where it never went before. I was buying new bra's every 1-2 months because my chest was no longer considered 'proportionate' with the rest of my body. All of the sudden, I was buying bigger and bigger clothes and fitting less and less into my other clothes.
I know that I'm a big girl. And I'm a pain in the ass about exercising and eating right. I cut out a majority of the junk, but I can't break my old habits. I'm so drained when I get out of work that I don't even THINK about going to the gym. And honestly, if I cared THAT much about it, I'd do something about it.
So yeah, I think that's it. Sure, I'm about ready to quit my job, hawk my jewelry and move to some 3rd world county. My car needs a tune up. My cat is shedding like crazy. My dog keeps bleeding for some unknown fucking reason. The house can't retain any sort of heat (just WAITING to get the power bill), and I spilled coffee on myself today. But I think that's why I'm irritated- ever since I saw that picture I've been thinking of ways to get out of this lunch date. And who the fuck am I to talk? No, I don't need to cut out 90% of my stomach due to life endangering obesity, but it wouldn't hurt to put my fat ass on a stairmaster 3 times a week. Have I became the person that I hate - the one that judges people solely on their appearance. or am I just starting to realize that the way a person presents themselves to the world is more telling about their character than their believe.
Girls that apply make up with a spatula have issues, or men that wear mascara. Men with calf implants, women with everything-else implants. Men that can't seem to iron their khakis before they put them on, or women that have chipped finger nail polish. The man or woman that is neatly pressed, even down to their flat-ironed hair extensions. But what does fat say to the world?
"Hi, I'm Becky and I have an underactive thyroid!"
"Hi, I'm Brad and I have no girlfriend so I take solace in Krispy Kreme"
"Hi, I'm Jackie and I have no self control so I binge and purge"
"Hi, I'm Jason and I have diabetes so I can't control my weight"
I mean, we can stereo type the immaculate collection people, the people that can't live with what God gave 'em, the people that just don't give a damn, and the people that give way too much of a damn. What do we say about fat people? They're ugly, for sure... but why?
Why are we instantly outcast by our appearance? What is it about us that makes us lepers of society? And why, did a card carrying member of the Fatty Club do what I so drastically detest to another?
posted by Anonymous Defender at 8:44 PM
2 Comments:
You probably won't like this, but that's ok. I'm coming from a place where your voice is familiar. I think you have more of a problem with your weight than you're willing to admit. From me to you -- deal with it now or you'll deal with it later.
Don't believe me - read my blog.
Former Fattie,
I believe you.
Did you read the entire blog? I've got nothing to hide, fat rolls or otherwise. As you say in your blog, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Kudos for the well intended comment, but before you start casting judgement read the whole damn thing. Maybe you'll see that overweight people don't have the option of dealing with it now or later - everyone puts it in the forefront for them.
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