Holiday Cheer
It's the day after Christmas and I'm about as cheerful as I have been for the past week, which isn't very cheerful at all. I've been reading the stuff that I wrote last year around the same time and thinking about how things have changed. It has changed in the typical way... people didn't have kids, and no one died. Last year, my biggest problem was that I had all this money and so many people to buy presents for. I was not plagued with that problem this year.
This year, I have lost my job, struggled to pay the bills, lost a friend and felt the most alone that I have felt in... well, I can't even remember when I've felt this alone. I had a sentence pop into my head last week and I've been trying to figure out a) where it came from or b) how I could use it. I think I've found my venue.
Have you ever felt like you were 400 lbs. and not a drop of you mattered?
That's how I feel. Granted, I'm not 400 lbs., but I'd like to believe that I have a character and a persona that takes up an equal amount of space. That sentence came from me, struggling to find a way to wrap words around a feeling that is vast yet hollow.
I have said time and again that I enjoy being single, and I will continue to reiterate the fact that most of the time it's true. I enjoy being able to look at any guy that I want; I enjoy the freedom of picking my friends and hanging out with them at my desire and not hindered by someone else's schedule. I would rather come home to an empty house than an irate boyfriend who wants to renew the inquisition on where I was for the past 3 hours. I enjoy working around my schedule instead of working around two schedules.
But...
There is always a time around the holidays where all the reasons listed above don't even matter. Where coming home to someone is infinitely better to coming home and trying to find the damn lamp. Where sharing a schedule with someone is better that having all of the time in the world... to yourself. When going out as a couple is a lot nicer than going out with other couples and just yourself. When looking at your guy across the room is more fulfilling that checking out the eye candy all over the room.
And I think this is how that sentence popped into my head. I am single, 22, live on my own. I pay my own bills... and all of the bills - mortgage, utilities, car, insurance, groceries, etc. Oh yeah, I'm 22 and I own 3 houses that I bought on my own. I can keep a steady job. I make a good living, and I live within my means. I am smart, I am funny, and I am beautiful. I have nice straight teeth, I have stellar blue eyes. I have been responsible enough to keep my animals alive, even though I kill plants like it's a job. I can cook, I can do my own laundry, and I have an entire house full of real (as opposed to inflatable or retractable) furniture. I am, all around, the type of woman that a guy is looking for. Now, I understand that I have my emotional issues, and that I wear glasses, and that I could get around to emptying the dishwasher a little sooner than I usually do. But none of it matters, because I wear a size 22. All 400 lbs of my personality is there, and not a drop of me matters. Get my point?
This year, I have lost my job, struggled to pay the bills, lost a friend and felt the most alone that I have felt in... well, I can't even remember when I've felt this alone. I had a sentence pop into my head last week and I've been trying to figure out a) where it came from or b) how I could use it. I think I've found my venue.
Have you ever felt like you were 400 lbs. and not a drop of you mattered?
That's how I feel. Granted, I'm not 400 lbs., but I'd like to believe that I have a character and a persona that takes up an equal amount of space. That sentence came from me, struggling to find a way to wrap words around a feeling that is vast yet hollow.
I have said time and again that I enjoy being single, and I will continue to reiterate the fact that most of the time it's true. I enjoy being able to look at any guy that I want; I enjoy the freedom of picking my friends and hanging out with them at my desire and not hindered by someone else's schedule. I would rather come home to an empty house than an irate boyfriend who wants to renew the inquisition on where I was for the past 3 hours. I enjoy working around my schedule instead of working around two schedules.
But...
There is always a time around the holidays where all the reasons listed above don't even matter. Where coming home to someone is infinitely better to coming home and trying to find the damn lamp. Where sharing a schedule with someone is better that having all of the time in the world... to yourself. When going out as a couple is a lot nicer than going out with other couples and just yourself. When looking at your guy across the room is more fulfilling that checking out the eye candy all over the room.
And I think this is how that sentence popped into my head. I am single, 22, live on my own. I pay my own bills... and all of the bills - mortgage, utilities, car, insurance, groceries, etc. Oh yeah, I'm 22 and I own 3 houses that I bought on my own. I can keep a steady job. I make a good living, and I live within my means. I am smart, I am funny, and I am beautiful. I have nice straight teeth, I have stellar blue eyes. I have been responsible enough to keep my animals alive, even though I kill plants like it's a job. I can cook, I can do my own laundry, and I have an entire house full of real (as opposed to inflatable or retractable) furniture. I am, all around, the type of woman that a guy is looking for. Now, I understand that I have my emotional issues, and that I wear glasses, and that I could get around to emptying the dishwasher a little sooner than I usually do. But none of it matters, because I wear a size 22. All 400 lbs of my personality is there, and not a drop of me matters. Get my point?
posted by Anonymous Defender at 10:17 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home