Journey of Previous Endure
I have a hard time being scared about anything. In some ways I believe I was raised in a manner not consistent with my sex. In that men are taught that adoration comes from doing (doctor, lawyer, sports star, etc.) whereas a woman is taught that her adoration comes from being (pretty, funny, smart etc.). I feel that I was taught to be a man, and it's that mentality that I struggle with consistently.
My friends and I joke that I/we just got an extra dose of testosterone than the other women. We don't take as much time to get ready, we don't cling to men and/or situations as much as other women, and at the end of the day a beer is a wonderful thing. As a caveat to all you ceiling smashers - I am not implying that beer can not be enjoyed by the female masses. But social tendencies preclude stereotypes for a reason. When you have typically masculine characteristics, it's hard finding a man that is 'manlier' than you. And so you make attempts to be a little extra fem. A little more eyeliner, some lower cut shirts, etc. You look for men that also got an extra dose of testosterone than their buddies, and hope that they got it in all the right places... like bar fighting.
I'm moving out of my parents house. It's been a safety net that I have enjoyed and struggled with for about a year now. But I'm almost 100% back on my feet again. Getting my own place, paying all the bills once again, and being a responsible member of the community at large. I was less scared the last time I did it. I had the time for baby steps, and the family to help if I stumbled. I have those things now, but they mean something different to me and the hardest part is trying to find why they mean something different.
I've always been harder on myself than others have been. When my finances took a turn for the worse (more like a nose dive), I became very depressed. Weight gain, more drinking, more smoking, etc. I had a hard time dealing with the fact that I couldn't make good on my promises, and it took a long time to differentiate between what's a broken promise due to laziness or defiance, and what's a broken promise due to Acts of God (i.e. shit outta my control). My Act of God was a job loss. And although I hate what has happened, and feel horrible about it, I am thankful that it happened. I would've ran myself into the ground, and allowed others to run me into the ground, if I didn't get off that path. Serendipity's bastard stepsister, Kismet, has sprung into my pathway. And instead of wielding a fortunate accident and another reason to find John Cusack very sexy, it knocked me off a path that I had to travel, for wisdom's sake, and onto a path that requires extensive use of that wisdom.
I am moving out of my parents house. I am scared, and I feel lonely. But I have been lucky enough to realize that I have a knack for landing on my feet. The landing may be rough sometimes, and a limp may follow, but battle wounds of life make cocktail parties more interesting.
My friends and I joke that I/we just got an extra dose of testosterone than the other women. We don't take as much time to get ready, we don't cling to men and/or situations as much as other women, and at the end of the day a beer is a wonderful thing. As a caveat to all you ceiling smashers - I am not implying that beer can not be enjoyed by the female masses. But social tendencies preclude stereotypes for a reason. When you have typically masculine characteristics, it's hard finding a man that is 'manlier' than you. And so you make attempts to be a little extra fem. A little more eyeliner, some lower cut shirts, etc. You look for men that also got an extra dose of testosterone than their buddies, and hope that they got it in all the right places... like bar fighting.
I'm moving out of my parents house. It's been a safety net that I have enjoyed and struggled with for about a year now. But I'm almost 100% back on my feet again. Getting my own place, paying all the bills once again, and being a responsible member of the community at large. I was less scared the last time I did it. I had the time for baby steps, and the family to help if I stumbled. I have those things now, but they mean something different to me and the hardest part is trying to find why they mean something different.
I've always been harder on myself than others have been. When my finances took a turn for the worse (more like a nose dive), I became very depressed. Weight gain, more drinking, more smoking, etc. I had a hard time dealing with the fact that I couldn't make good on my promises, and it took a long time to differentiate between what's a broken promise due to laziness or defiance, and what's a broken promise due to Acts of God (i.e. shit outta my control). My Act of God was a job loss. And although I hate what has happened, and feel horrible about it, I am thankful that it happened. I would've ran myself into the ground, and allowed others to run me into the ground, if I didn't get off that path. Serendipity's bastard stepsister, Kismet, has sprung into my pathway. And instead of wielding a fortunate accident and another reason to find John Cusack very sexy, it knocked me off a path that I had to travel, for wisdom's sake, and onto a path that requires extensive use of that wisdom.
I am moving out of my parents house. I am scared, and I feel lonely. But I have been lucky enough to realize that I have a knack for landing on my feet. The landing may be rough sometimes, and a limp may follow, but battle wounds of life make cocktail parties more interesting.
posted by Anonymous Defender at 9:57 PM
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