Holiday Cheer

It's the day after Christmas and I'm about as cheerful as I have been for the past week, which isn't very cheerful at all. I've been reading the stuff that I wrote last year around the same time and thinking about how things have changed. It has changed in the typical way... people didn't have kids, and no one died. Last year, my biggest problem was that I had all this money and so many people to buy presents for. I was not plagued with that problem this year.

This year, I have lost my job, struggled to pay the bills, lost a friend and felt the most alone that I have felt in... well, I can't even remember when I've felt this alone. I had a sentence pop into my head last week and I've been trying to figure out a) where it came from or b) how I could use it. I think I've found my venue.

Have you ever felt like you were 400 lbs. and not a drop of you mattered?

That's how I feel. Granted, I'm not 400 lbs., but I'd like to believe that I have a character and a persona that takes up an equal amount of space. That sentence came from me, struggling to find a way to wrap words around a feeling that is vast yet hollow.

I have said time and again that I enjoy being single, and I will continue to reiterate the fact that most of the time it's true. I enjoy being able to look at any guy that I want; I enjoy the freedom of picking my friends and hanging out with them at my desire and not hindered by someone else's schedule. I would rather come home to an empty house than an irate boyfriend who wants to renew the inquisition on where I was for the past 3 hours. I enjoy working around my schedule instead of working around two schedules.

But...

There is always a time around the holidays where all the reasons listed above don't even matter. Where coming home to someone is infinitely better to coming home and trying to find the damn lamp. Where sharing a schedule with someone is better that having all of the time in the world... to yourself. When going out as a couple is a lot nicer than going out with other couples and just yourself. When looking at your guy across the room is more fulfilling that checking out the eye candy all over the room.

And I think this is how that sentence popped into my head. I am single, 22, live on my own. I pay my own bills... and all of the bills - mortgage, utilities, car, insurance, groceries, etc. Oh yeah, I'm 22 and I own 3 houses that I bought on my own. I can keep a steady job. I make a good living, and I live within my means. I am smart, I am funny, and I am beautiful. I have nice straight teeth, I have stellar blue eyes. I have been responsible enough to keep my animals alive, even though I kill plants like it's a job. I can cook, I can do my own laundry, and I have an entire house full of real (as opposed to inflatable or retractable) furniture. I am, all around, the type of woman that a guy is looking for. Now, I understand that I have my emotional issues, and that I wear glasses, and that I could get around to emptying the dishwasher a little sooner than I usually do. But none of it matters, because I wear a size 22. All 400 lbs of my personality is there, and not a drop of me matters. Get my point?

I feel like I lost a best friend.

And this is the letter that I wrote:

Former Best Friend,

I am not going to start off this letter with "I understand what's going on but hear me out' because to be completely honest - I don't understand anything that has gone down this past week. I figure that this way - writing a letter - will be the only way that I can get my point across without calling or bothering you in or out of work.

It is important to me that you understand that you were NOT the reliable source, nor have you ever been considered a source of information. In my eyes you were first and foremost Best Friend... maybe even BestFriendizzle when we were drunk! My friendship with you was more important to me that your job title and above all else, if you believe nothing else from me, please believe that I hold you in the highest regard. I have always been very appreciative of our friendship and felt lucky to be in your company.

Without being all melodramatic, I'm afraid that our friendship is going to be lost in this mix up. I fully believe that any information that I received from you was to be held in confidence and was for my protection. It is probably because of those two things that make this situation so hurtful to both you and me both.

I'd like to say that I understand why you are so angry with me, but because you won't speak to me, I'll have to press my luck and guess. I feel that your biggest concern is to keep your job and there is no shame in that. But I also feel that you haven't been given the whole story. When I think about the fact that your office thinks you betrayed their trust it makes me sick to my stomach. Not only have I NOT said anything about our discussions but the incident in question could have been alleviated if AssholeBossMan didn't open his mouth. AssholeBossMan was the one that leaked the information and that is how it spread around. And if you remember correctly, you didn't even remember it when I had mentioned what I had heard. And whatever I have to do to clear your name or set the record straight, I will gladly do. I don't want you losing your job over something you didn't do. I also have the feeling that AssholeBossMan has done nothing to explain that he was the one that leaked what was going on. I feel that he's probably making you squirm a little bit while the spotlight is on your so that he can continue with 'business as usual'. If I have never sufficiently explained this - let this be the time I succeed. I have absolutely no care or concern for him and never want to speak to him or hear of him again. I have never met a more arrogant man an I hope that I am the only one burdened with his attitude and demeanor towards me. NiceBossLady on the other hand is someone that I think very highly of and in the one time that we saw each other outside of work, I was glad that she could see me as AnonymousDefender instead of another AnonymousDefender'sJobTitle. At the very least, she looks me in the eye when she speaks to me and I can't remember AssholeBossMan giving me the same courtesy.

I also feel that the last thing you care about is my feelings. I understand that you have been put in an awful position and I honestly do sympathize. But I feel like I lost a best friend. I had thought that you knew me well enough to know that I never would have betrayed your trust like that. I had thought that you respected me enough to approach me with what happened on Friday instead of ignoring my phone calls and treating me like a stranger. I feel like I got stabbed in the back... I expected someone like that from Jimmy, not from you (Jimmy isn't innocent and therefore doesn't need his name changed for protection). Shortly after I had broken up with MilitaryMan I had to make this argument with him and it seems appropriate now. I can't make anyone love me or hate me; but whatever your opinion is of me, make sure you do it for the right reasons. I feel like I'm getting persecuted by your office for something that I didn't do. I am till the same person. That bitchy AonymousDefender'sJobTitle that doesn't like taking no for an answer. If you and your office want to dislike me as a person, that's fine - and I'll respect your decision. But please, don't hate me for something I didn't do.

With this, I've at least been able to get some of this off of my chest. Please know that I don't hate you or your coworkers (although they are all named but I can't think of enough witty names for each of them at this hour). Know that the only reason FormerBestFriend'sWork got so much business was because of you, because I really enjoyed working with you and was happy when I found a friend in you. If, after all of this, you still find me as detestable as you do now and want me to leave you alone and never do business with your company again, just let me know. Email, text message, smoke signal, carrier pigeon - whatever. But my door is always open, my phone is always on, and very rarely do I NOT have that mozzarella from Costco.

Take Care,

AnonymousDefender