I have a sister...
I have a sister whom I dearly love and my biggest downfall with it is that she doesn't know it. She also doesn't know how much I truly admire and adore her - which is of no fault of her own, but rests solely on my own shoulders.
It's hard trying to tell someone how you feel, when you don't know how you feel. It's hard expressing an emotion when you can't seem to identify one emotion from the next; and it's especially hard to stand up and fight when you don't feel that you're even worth fighting for yourself. The hardest part about all of those things is that even now, I only feel comfortable with revealing myself through a veil of anonymity, because I feel anonymous to the people who love me most. Not because they don't see me, but because I know they'll be just as disappointed as I am with myself when I look into the irror at who I am and what I've become as I grow into an adult.
If I could say something to my sister, this is what it'd be:
I appreciate all the times that you've stuck up for me over the years, and only wish that I could show you my appreciation in a way that you could understand. I have always lived in your shadow. I believe partly because of our competitive nature, and partly because I never felt worthy to be on the same plane as you. I've felt this way the most when we started working together and I felt that even though I could never be as good as you, I could at least be in the same category - elite, well paid, notorious, and respected. I have spent a majority of my life looking up to you, that when it came the time for me to be my own person, I imaged myself from your example. Which has made it even more impossible for me to become my own person.
I've always felt inferior to other people. Always that my opinions never mattered, always that my emotions were easily discarded and when I began thinking that other people could do that to me, I began thinking that it was easier to do it to myself as well. It's become such an easy yet harmful coping mechanism to discard even what I feel about me, that it's began to bleed into every aspect of my life and how I handle things.
Because the simple fact is, that I don't handle things. I accept it and brush it under the rug. And every so often, although rare, I implode. And it's up to me to pick up the pieces because I don't want to show anyone else that I'm shattered. I don't think I could ever admit to the world that I'm broken and seemingly unrepairable, so I put on a smile and keep pluggin along.
The truth is, I can't stand up against you because I don't know where I stand. I can't decide if I'm angry, or excited, or depressed - because it all feels the same. I've been successful lately in picking which mask to adorn at the appropriate time, but it's only to stop myself from experiencing what a change in emotion could be.
It seems that my entire life has been one big disappointment. I can't seem to figure out what I did wrong. When I look at what's going on within our family, I can't identify what it is that I did wrong to make our parents so disappointed in what I've become. Instead of being commended for the few things that I have accomplished, I feel chastised at what I haven't accomplished. Like I'm held to a standard that is impossible for anyone to achieve - and with what I guess I'm feeling now, I think I'm giving up on myself.
I'm not the same creature as you. You have the ability to compartmentalize your emotions and to take a stand. I wish I could be the same - fearless, iron fisted and undoubting... but the truth is, I never will be. I will continue to wonder what it is that happened, how I could've changed it, and how I can do it better next time.
It seems like you berate me at the drop of the hat on anything that you want... but I think you do it with good intentions. Chastising me about being weak, and stupid, and that I'm an idiot only reinforces what I feel about myself. You wonder why I can't stand up for myself? Because I believe everything that you're saying about me. I don't think that you're doing it intentionally to bring me down; I think that you're doing it to toughen me up. But it's not making me tougher, it's bringing me back to thinking how worthless I am.
You wonder why I can't take a stand against Dad? Because I love him, and it's hard for me to villify the man that I grew up idolizing. As a kid, I always wondered how life would be different if he was around. If we lived with him, instead of where we were at - what would be our life now? I know Dad isn't perfect, but I just can't hate him for being human. No, I don't like the way he talks to me - but sometimes I feel like a fuck up, like a walking tidal wave wiping out everything around me, like I can't seem to get my shit straight - all the stuff that he says I'm doing.
I've reached my wits end with you regarding me being a lesbian, alright? I've tried getting angry - doesn't work. I've tried ignoring you - doesn't work. I've tried reasoning with you - doesn't work. I just don't date. Period. How can I be in a relationship with someone else when I don't even know who I am? How do you expect me to be open and reveal myself to a man when I can't even figure out who I am. And to be completely frank - who would even want me? Since the last breakup - you know who I'm talking about - I have been plagued with the feeling that if he didn't want me, no one would ever want me.
And even that admission puzzles me. I've spent the last few years of my life working really hard. Whatever I do, I do it well - because I don't give myself room to err. I am not lazy, I'm always doing something. I try to be educated. I take care of myself. I'm financially independent. I know what a sac fly is and what 1st and 10 means. I am not frivolous with my money. My dog fuckin rocks. I have a lot of qualities that most men would die for, yet they never take a second look at me. Why do you think that is? I truly believe that living in the town we live in is one of the biggest contributing factors. Another big factor is that I'm just a hollow person. I may have a lot to give a relationship, but who would want it from me? I just try to say that I like being single - which isn't an entire lie. I try to say that I can't stay interested in one person for more than a few weeks - because I want to lose interest in them before they lose interest in me. I believe that I will die alone. I would never commit suicide, but I pray for something catastrophic to happen to me and put me out of my misery.
As much as I hurt inside, I'd rather suffer silently than burden someone with the knowledge of what's going on inside my head. I'm broken, Sis... I know it. There is something wrong with me, and I don't have a clue how to pinpoint it and how to fix it.
It's hard trying to tell someone how you feel, when you don't know how you feel. It's hard expressing an emotion when you can't seem to identify one emotion from the next; and it's especially hard to stand up and fight when you don't feel that you're even worth fighting for yourself. The hardest part about all of those things is that even now, I only feel comfortable with revealing myself through a veil of anonymity, because I feel anonymous to the people who love me most. Not because they don't see me, but because I know they'll be just as disappointed as I am with myself when I look into the irror at who I am and what I've become as I grow into an adult.
If I could say something to my sister, this is what it'd be:
I appreciate all the times that you've stuck up for me over the years, and only wish that I could show you my appreciation in a way that you could understand. I have always lived in your shadow. I believe partly because of our competitive nature, and partly because I never felt worthy to be on the same plane as you. I've felt this way the most when we started working together and I felt that even though I could never be as good as you, I could at least be in the same category - elite, well paid, notorious, and respected. I have spent a majority of my life looking up to you, that when it came the time for me to be my own person, I imaged myself from your example. Which has made it even more impossible for me to become my own person.
I've always felt inferior to other people. Always that my opinions never mattered, always that my emotions were easily discarded and when I began thinking that other people could do that to me, I began thinking that it was easier to do it to myself as well. It's become such an easy yet harmful coping mechanism to discard even what I feel about me, that it's began to bleed into every aspect of my life and how I handle things.
Because the simple fact is, that I don't handle things. I accept it and brush it under the rug. And every so often, although rare, I implode. And it's up to me to pick up the pieces because I don't want to show anyone else that I'm shattered. I don't think I could ever admit to the world that I'm broken and seemingly unrepairable, so I put on a smile and keep pluggin along.
The truth is, I can't stand up against you because I don't know where I stand. I can't decide if I'm angry, or excited, or depressed - because it all feels the same. I've been successful lately in picking which mask to adorn at the appropriate time, but it's only to stop myself from experiencing what a change in emotion could be.
It seems that my entire life has been one big disappointment. I can't seem to figure out what I did wrong. When I look at what's going on within our family, I can't identify what it is that I did wrong to make our parents so disappointed in what I've become. Instead of being commended for the few things that I have accomplished, I feel chastised at what I haven't accomplished. Like I'm held to a standard that is impossible for anyone to achieve - and with what I guess I'm feeling now, I think I'm giving up on myself.
I'm not the same creature as you. You have the ability to compartmentalize your emotions and to take a stand. I wish I could be the same - fearless, iron fisted and undoubting... but the truth is, I never will be. I will continue to wonder what it is that happened, how I could've changed it, and how I can do it better next time.
It seems like you berate me at the drop of the hat on anything that you want... but I think you do it with good intentions. Chastising me about being weak, and stupid, and that I'm an idiot only reinforces what I feel about myself. You wonder why I can't stand up for myself? Because I believe everything that you're saying about me. I don't think that you're doing it intentionally to bring me down; I think that you're doing it to toughen me up. But it's not making me tougher, it's bringing me back to thinking how worthless I am.
You wonder why I can't take a stand against Dad? Because I love him, and it's hard for me to villify the man that I grew up idolizing. As a kid, I always wondered how life would be different if he was around. If we lived with him, instead of where we were at - what would be our life now? I know Dad isn't perfect, but I just can't hate him for being human. No, I don't like the way he talks to me - but sometimes I feel like a fuck up, like a walking tidal wave wiping out everything around me, like I can't seem to get my shit straight - all the stuff that he says I'm doing.
I've reached my wits end with you regarding me being a lesbian, alright? I've tried getting angry - doesn't work. I've tried ignoring you - doesn't work. I've tried reasoning with you - doesn't work. I just don't date. Period. How can I be in a relationship with someone else when I don't even know who I am? How do you expect me to be open and reveal myself to a man when I can't even figure out who I am. And to be completely frank - who would even want me? Since the last breakup - you know who I'm talking about - I have been plagued with the feeling that if he didn't want me, no one would ever want me.
And even that admission puzzles me. I've spent the last few years of my life working really hard. Whatever I do, I do it well - because I don't give myself room to err. I am not lazy, I'm always doing something. I try to be educated. I take care of myself. I'm financially independent. I know what a sac fly is and what 1st and 10 means. I am not frivolous with my money. My dog fuckin rocks. I have a lot of qualities that most men would die for, yet they never take a second look at me. Why do you think that is? I truly believe that living in the town we live in is one of the biggest contributing factors. Another big factor is that I'm just a hollow person. I may have a lot to give a relationship, but who would want it from me? I just try to say that I like being single - which isn't an entire lie. I try to say that I can't stay interested in one person for more than a few weeks - because I want to lose interest in them before they lose interest in me. I believe that I will die alone. I would never commit suicide, but I pray for something catastrophic to happen to me and put me out of my misery.
As much as I hurt inside, I'd rather suffer silently than burden someone with the knowledge of what's going on inside my head. I'm broken, Sis... I know it. There is something wrong with me, and I don't have a clue how to pinpoint it and how to fix it.
posted by Anonymous Defender at 1:41 PM
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