Other People's Love Letters

I've been intrigued by this book for a very long time. I've also had it for a very long time and continue to read and re-read it whenever I'm in the mood to feel. It's a sweet danger, this book. Both compelling and wrenching at nearly the same time, it drudges up memories of times past and makes me ache for the joy of a good heartbreak once again. This particular love letter hit a nerve, and it's why I've decided to potentially break any copywrite laws (although I'll gladly give credit where due) and write it out here:

Thank you, I hate you, I'm sorry

Thank you
bcause without your support, I wouldn't be here
I wouldn't have stayed when things got hard
I wouldn't have believed that I could find a life.
Thank you for the way you know me,
for being my best friend for what feels like forever,
and for raising the bar so high that I don't know where to begin.
Thank you for knowing to let go before things got ugly.
On some level, you must've known that forcing me to fly
would force you to fly too, to do the things you know you need.
And maybe you even share the belief that our paths
will join us together again, and for always.

I hate you
for not wanting it badly enough,
for not believing we could do this together,
for not ollowing through.
I hate that you didn't have the balls to take a chance,
to explore this place that's filled with your dreams.
I hate that you don't even seem to be doing
the things that made you stay.
I hate that the way you tell me how you feel almost always hurts,
and that most of the time you just don't tell me at all.
I hate that you are the only guy I can imagine loving,
and you make letting go seem so easy,
like it doesn't hurt at all,
like you don't ever cry.

I'm sorry
I left the way I did,
because of what it said to you:
that I would always expect you to follow.
I'm sorry I didn't see it like that.
I thought paving the way would create
and adventure that would change our lives.
I'm sorry I didn't wait until you were ready,
that I didn't think I could, so the decision didn't feel like yours.
I'm sorry that it seemed like your opinion wasn't important,
when nothing could be further from the truth.
I'm sorry that I doubted our future, and made you doubt it too.
I didn't know well enough myself to tell you
all the things that needed to change, and why.
We bouth thought we'd have more time, and then I left.
I'll always be sorry for that.






I feel like I could've written this love letter. I can feel the reader's relief and remorse.

Journey of Previous Endure

I have a hard time being scared about anything. In some ways I believe I was raised in a manner not consistent with my sex. In that men are taught that adoration comes from doing (doctor, lawyer, sports star, etc.) whereas a woman is taught that her adoration comes from being (pretty, funny, smart etc.). I feel that I was taught to be a man, and it's that mentality that I struggle with consistently.

My friends and I joke that I/we just got an extra dose of testosterone than the other women. We don't take as much time to get ready, we don't cling to men and/or situations as much as other women, and at the end of the day a beer is a wonderful thing. As a caveat to all you ceiling smashers - I am not implying that beer can not be enjoyed by the female masses. But social tendencies preclude stereotypes for a reason. When you have typically masculine characteristics, it's hard finding a man that is 'manlier' than you. And so you make attempts to be a little extra fem. A little more eyeliner, some lower cut shirts, etc. You look for men that also got an extra dose of testosterone than their buddies, and hope that they got it in all the right places... like bar fighting.

I'm moving out of my parents house. It's been a safety net that I have enjoyed and struggled with for about a year now. But I'm almost 100% back on my feet again. Getting my own place, paying all the bills once again, and being a responsible member of the community at large. I was less scared the last time I did it. I had the time for baby steps, and the family to help if I stumbled. I have those things now, but they mean something different to me and the hardest part is trying to find why they mean something different.

I've always been harder on myself than others have been. When my finances took a turn for the worse (more like a nose dive), I became very depressed. Weight gain, more drinking, more smoking, etc. I had a hard time dealing with the fact that I couldn't make good on my promises, and it took a long time to differentiate between what's a broken promise due to laziness or defiance, and what's a broken promise due to Acts of God (i.e. shit outta my control). My Act of God was a job loss. And although I hate what has happened, and feel horrible about it, I am thankful that it happened. I would've ran myself into the ground, and allowed others to run me into the ground, if I didn't get off that path. Serendipity's bastard stepsister, Kismet, has sprung into my pathway. And instead of wielding a fortunate accident and another reason to find John Cusack very sexy, it knocked me off a path that I had to travel, for wisdom's sake, and onto a path that requires extensive use of that wisdom.

I am moving out of my parents house. I am scared, and I feel lonely. But I have been lucky enough to realize that I have a knack for landing on my feet. The landing may be rough sometimes, and a limp may follow, but battle wounds of life make cocktail parties more interesting.

I have a sister...

I have a sister whom I dearly love and my biggest downfall with it is that she doesn't know it. She also doesn't know how much I truly admire and adore her - which is of no fault of her own, but rests solely on my own shoulders.

It's hard trying to tell someone how you feel, when you don't know how you feel. It's hard expressing an emotion when you can't seem to identify one emotion from the next; and it's especially hard to stand up and fight when you don't feel that you're even worth fighting for yourself. The hardest part about all of those things is that even now, I only feel comfortable with revealing myself through a veil of anonymity, because I feel anonymous to the people who love me most. Not because they don't see me, but because I know they'll be just as disappointed as I am with myself when I look into the irror at who I am and what I've become as I grow into an adult.

If I could say something to my sister, this is what it'd be:

I appreciate all the times that you've stuck up for me over the years, and only wish that I could show you my appreciation in a way that you could understand. I have always lived in your shadow. I believe partly because of our competitive nature, and partly because I never felt worthy to be on the same plane as you. I've felt this way the most when we started working together and I felt that even though I could never be as good as you, I could at least be in the same category - elite, well paid, notorious, and respected. I have spent a majority of my life looking up to you, that when it came the time for me to be my own person, I imaged myself from your example. Which has made it even more impossible for me to become my own person.

I've always felt inferior to other people. Always that my opinions never mattered, always that my emotions were easily discarded and when I began thinking that other people could do that to me, I began thinking that it was easier to do it to myself as well. It's become such an easy yet harmful coping mechanism to discard even what I feel about me, that it's began to bleed into every aspect of my life and how I handle things.

Because the simple fact is, that I don't handle things. I accept it and brush it under the rug. And every so often, although rare, I implode. And it's up to me to pick up the pieces because I don't want to show anyone else that I'm shattered. I don't think I could ever admit to the world that I'm broken and seemingly unrepairable, so I put on a smile and keep pluggin along.

The truth is, I can't stand up against you because I don't know where I stand. I can't decide if I'm angry, or excited, or depressed - because it all feels the same. I've been successful lately in picking which mask to adorn at the appropriate time, but it's only to stop myself from experiencing what a change in emotion could be.

It seems that my entire life has been one big disappointment. I can't seem to figure out what I did wrong. When I look at what's going on within our family, I can't identify what it is that I did wrong to make our parents so disappointed in what I've become. Instead of being commended for the few things that I have accomplished, I feel chastised at what I haven't accomplished. Like I'm held to a standard that is impossible for anyone to achieve - and with what I guess I'm feeling now, I think I'm giving up on myself.

I'm not the same creature as you. You have the ability to compartmentalize your emotions and to take a stand. I wish I could be the same - fearless, iron fisted and undoubting... but the truth is, I never will be. I will continue to wonder what it is that happened, how I could've changed it, and how I can do it better next time.

It seems like you berate me at the drop of the hat on anything that you want... but I think you do it with good intentions. Chastising me about being weak, and stupid, and that I'm an idiot only reinforces what I feel about myself. You wonder why I can't stand up for myself? Because I believe everything that you're saying about me. I don't think that you're doing it intentionally to bring me down; I think that you're doing it to toughen me up. But it's not making me tougher, it's bringing me back to thinking how worthless I am.

You wonder why I can't take a stand against Dad? Because I love him, and it's hard for me to villify the man that I grew up idolizing. As a kid, I always wondered how life would be different if he was around. If we lived with him, instead of where we were at - what would be our life now? I know Dad isn't perfect, but I just can't hate him for being human. No, I don't like the way he talks to me - but sometimes I feel like a fuck up, like a walking tidal wave wiping out everything around me, like I can't seem to get my shit straight - all the stuff that he says I'm doing.

I've reached my wits end with you regarding me being a lesbian, alright? I've tried getting angry - doesn't work. I've tried ignoring you - doesn't work. I've tried reasoning with you - doesn't work. I just don't date. Period. How can I be in a relationship with someone else when I don't even know who I am? How do you expect me to be open and reveal myself to a man when I can't even figure out who I am. And to be completely frank - who would even want me? Since the last breakup - you know who I'm talking about - I have been plagued with the feeling that if he didn't want me, no one would ever want me.

And even that admission puzzles me. I've spent the last few years of my life working really hard. Whatever I do, I do it well - because I don't give myself room to err. I am not lazy, I'm always doing something. I try to be educated. I take care of myself. I'm financially independent. I know what a sac fly is and what 1st and 10 means. I am not frivolous with my money. My dog fuckin rocks. I have a lot of qualities that most men would die for, yet they never take a second look at me. Why do you think that is? I truly believe that living in the town we live in is one of the biggest contributing factors. Another big factor is that I'm just a hollow person. I may have a lot to give a relationship, but who would want it from me? I just try to say that I like being single - which isn't an entire lie. I try to say that I can't stay interested in one person for more than a few weeks - because I want to lose interest in them before they lose interest in me. I believe that I will die alone. I would never commit suicide, but I pray for something catastrophic to happen to me and put me out of my misery.

As much as I hurt inside, I'd rather suffer silently than burden someone with the knowledge of what's going on inside my head. I'm broken, Sis... I know it. There is something wrong with me, and I don't have a clue how to pinpoint it and how to fix it.

One Year Down

We've officially put 2006 behind us and I can't express how happy I am that this year is over. It's been a short year, but one filled with many occasions.

The year started and ended on a difficult note for me. I've had four different addresses, bought three houses, traveled out of state twice (with two 4+ hour delays), broken a bone, and even had a (not so) little puppy add to the household. The difficulties behind me haven't just been with the dog destroying couches, trash cans, patio furniture... and sufficiently trampling all over my careful balanced sanity. Losing my job and my steady source of income has definitely been a major blow. My brand new dishwasher breaking twice in two weeks. Multiple summons to the courthouse. Finding out who is your friend, and who is clearly not your friend. Not to mention the day to day drama that is in constant supply (and very rare demand) from my lovely family. I've been lied to, betrayed, and deceived. I've had my name dragged through the mud. I've had people put me in danger, and even had a few of them leave me out in the cold.

2006 was clearly just not my year. But it wasn't entirely bad. I did make friends, and re-establish old friendships that I continue to hold very dear to my heart. My not so little puppy has been a constant source of laughter and fun in the household. I've been lucky enough to establish my name in an industry that doesn't keep people, let alone their name, around for more than a few months. I've been loved, cared for, and admired. I've had people seek me out because they trusted only me to help them. I've had people put their lives and livelihood in my hands. I've been graced with respect from people I never knew.

I'd like to say that I hated 2006, but that would be a lie. To be honest, I loved 2006. A love that can never be summed up in a few short words - because no words are availble, in any length, to embody the heartache and the joy.

I have learned that it is important to keep putting you heart on the line, even if you fear it'll be trampled on. I've learned that it's not all fair in love and war, but victory lies in wait for those that play the game with honest rules. Money is not everything. It's only good to worry if you think you can find a solution to your problem, otherwise knock it off. Investing your trust in another person is the most expensive and valuable gift ever. Finding out the truth, regardless of the cost is far less expensive than maintaining and perpetuating a lie.

I wish everyone a 2007 to remember. I hope that you never have to see such heartache, but be graced with joy. I want everyone to know what it's like to have love, in whatever form it may find you. Good luck, everyone.

Holiday Cheer

It's the day after Christmas and I'm about as cheerful as I have been for the past week, which isn't very cheerful at all. I've been reading the stuff that I wrote last year around the same time and thinking about how things have changed. It has changed in the typical way... people didn't have kids, and no one died. Last year, my biggest problem was that I had all this money and so many people to buy presents for. I was not plagued with that problem this year.

This year, I have lost my job, struggled to pay the bills, lost a friend and felt the most alone that I have felt in... well, I can't even remember when I've felt this alone. I had a sentence pop into my head last week and I've been trying to figure out a) where it came from or b) how I could use it. I think I've found my venue.

Have you ever felt like you were 400 lbs. and not a drop of you mattered?

That's how I feel. Granted, I'm not 400 lbs., but I'd like to believe that I have a character and a persona that takes up an equal amount of space. That sentence came from me, struggling to find a way to wrap words around a feeling that is vast yet hollow.

I have said time and again that I enjoy being single, and I will continue to reiterate the fact that most of the time it's true. I enjoy being able to look at any guy that I want; I enjoy the freedom of picking my friends and hanging out with them at my desire and not hindered by someone else's schedule. I would rather come home to an empty house than an irate boyfriend who wants to renew the inquisition on where I was for the past 3 hours. I enjoy working around my schedule instead of working around two schedules.

But...

There is always a time around the holidays where all the reasons listed above don't even matter. Where coming home to someone is infinitely better to coming home and trying to find the damn lamp. Where sharing a schedule with someone is better that having all of the time in the world... to yourself. When going out as a couple is a lot nicer than going out with other couples and just yourself. When looking at your guy across the room is more fulfilling that checking out the eye candy all over the room.

And I think this is how that sentence popped into my head. I am single, 22, live on my own. I pay my own bills... and all of the bills - mortgage, utilities, car, insurance, groceries, etc. Oh yeah, I'm 22 and I own 3 houses that I bought on my own. I can keep a steady job. I make a good living, and I live within my means. I am smart, I am funny, and I am beautiful. I have nice straight teeth, I have stellar blue eyes. I have been responsible enough to keep my animals alive, even though I kill plants like it's a job. I can cook, I can do my own laundry, and I have an entire house full of real (as opposed to inflatable or retractable) furniture. I am, all around, the type of woman that a guy is looking for. Now, I understand that I have my emotional issues, and that I wear glasses, and that I could get around to emptying the dishwasher a little sooner than I usually do. But none of it matters, because I wear a size 22. All 400 lbs of my personality is there, and not a drop of me matters. Get my point?

I feel like I lost a best friend.

And this is the letter that I wrote:

Former Best Friend,

I am not going to start off this letter with "I understand what's going on but hear me out' because to be completely honest - I don't understand anything that has gone down this past week. I figure that this way - writing a letter - will be the only way that I can get my point across without calling or bothering you in or out of work.

It is important to me that you understand that you were NOT the reliable source, nor have you ever been considered a source of information. In my eyes you were first and foremost Best Friend... maybe even BestFriendizzle when we were drunk! My friendship with you was more important to me that your job title and above all else, if you believe nothing else from me, please believe that I hold you in the highest regard. I have always been very appreciative of our friendship and felt lucky to be in your company.

Without being all melodramatic, I'm afraid that our friendship is going to be lost in this mix up. I fully believe that any information that I received from you was to be held in confidence and was for my protection. It is probably because of those two things that make this situation so hurtful to both you and me both.

I'd like to say that I understand why you are so angry with me, but because you won't speak to me, I'll have to press my luck and guess. I feel that your biggest concern is to keep your job and there is no shame in that. But I also feel that you haven't been given the whole story. When I think about the fact that your office thinks you betrayed their trust it makes me sick to my stomach. Not only have I NOT said anything about our discussions but the incident in question could have been alleviated if AssholeBossMan didn't open his mouth. AssholeBossMan was the one that leaked the information and that is how it spread around. And if you remember correctly, you didn't even remember it when I had mentioned what I had heard. And whatever I have to do to clear your name or set the record straight, I will gladly do. I don't want you losing your job over something you didn't do. I also have the feeling that AssholeBossMan has done nothing to explain that he was the one that leaked what was going on. I feel that he's probably making you squirm a little bit while the spotlight is on your so that he can continue with 'business as usual'. If I have never sufficiently explained this - let this be the time I succeed. I have absolutely no care or concern for him and never want to speak to him or hear of him again. I have never met a more arrogant man an I hope that I am the only one burdened with his attitude and demeanor towards me. NiceBossLady on the other hand is someone that I think very highly of and in the one time that we saw each other outside of work, I was glad that she could see me as AnonymousDefender instead of another AnonymousDefender'sJobTitle. At the very least, she looks me in the eye when she speaks to me and I can't remember AssholeBossMan giving me the same courtesy.

I also feel that the last thing you care about is my feelings. I understand that you have been put in an awful position and I honestly do sympathize. But I feel like I lost a best friend. I had thought that you knew me well enough to know that I never would have betrayed your trust like that. I had thought that you respected me enough to approach me with what happened on Friday instead of ignoring my phone calls and treating me like a stranger. I feel like I got stabbed in the back... I expected someone like that from Jimmy, not from you (Jimmy isn't innocent and therefore doesn't need his name changed for protection). Shortly after I had broken up with MilitaryMan I had to make this argument with him and it seems appropriate now. I can't make anyone love me or hate me; but whatever your opinion is of me, make sure you do it for the right reasons. I feel like I'm getting persecuted by your office for something that I didn't do. I am till the same person. That bitchy AonymousDefender'sJobTitle that doesn't like taking no for an answer. If you and your office want to dislike me as a person, that's fine - and I'll respect your decision. But please, don't hate me for something I didn't do.

With this, I've at least been able to get some of this off of my chest. Please know that I don't hate you or your coworkers (although they are all named but I can't think of enough witty names for each of them at this hour). Know that the only reason FormerBestFriend'sWork got so much business was because of you, because I really enjoyed working with you and was happy when I found a friend in you. If, after all of this, you still find me as detestable as you do now and want me to leave you alone and never do business with your company again, just let me know. Email, text message, smoke signal, carrier pigeon - whatever. But my door is always open, my phone is always on, and very rarely do I NOT have that mozzarella from Costco.

Take Care,

AnonymousDefender

Hey guys - take note of this....

I didn't write it, but its a good point. Kudos to the original author. I hope you don't mind but I've tailored it just a little bit.

Read on...

WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT

We've all heard the old adage - a man wants a lady in the street and a freak in the bed. We're all familiar with the whole Madonna - Whore theory. But whatever you call it, I began to wonder... Is there a corresponding theory for women? What do we want in the street and what do we want in the bedroom? My first instinct is to say "We want a man who's hard in the street but gentle and nurturing in the bedroom". But my conversations with other women, not to mention my own primal instincts tell me differently.

Whether we want to admit it or not, the mutating gender roles in our communities have changed the sexual dynamic. Let's face it - for too many women in urban communities, the power structure has shifted. Women are increasingly more educated, have higher profile (and higher paying) jobs, and often find themselves making more money than their male counterparts. But the more things change, the more they stay the same. Even with all these trappings of success and power, women can't quick kick the intrinsic need to be dominated by men. The influence of Gloria Steinam, India Arie, and Oprah not withstanding... our genes still long to be dominated by the strong Y Chromosomes (preferably attached to tight abs). Back in the day a woman's career opportunities were limited to stay at home moms, secretaries, and teachers -- we were professionally dominated by men. The work force was a place of powerlessness for women. Finance was a place of powerlessness. Technology was a place of powerlessness. We used to relinquish all control to men in all matters, intellectually and financially. The only places we had power was in the home and in the bedroom. And that was where we dominated. Our domination was our will to submit and cater to our men. Our domination was to control what he ate, where he made love, when he cleaned the garage, and when he came home from work. A man bent at our will because he liked it.

Oh, how things have changed.

Now we can dominate the boardroom, manage the finances, and acquire whatever material possessions our heart desires and our mind can dream. Now that we can and do dominate all day every day, what happens to that ingrained need to submit? I believe that it's a self - evident truth that it is, indeed, alive and well.

Many men don't understand this, but women are strong because we have to be, not because we want to be. We long for the times where we can be vulnerable and dominated. When can we just lay back and have someone tell us what to do for a change? Do you see where I'm going with this?

When I have to be powerful all day, I welcome the chance to come home and be dominated. I long for opportunities to relinquish power, a time when I don't have to be strong and all-knowing. Can you just be the man in this relationship? Because you live in a world that's hard, a world that attempts to emasculate you at every turn. You live in a world that has a constant desire to prove to you that a woman can do just as good of a job as you in the boardroom, the classroom, and the workshop. That's the world, and this is home. I want you to know that your home will always be a place where you can be a man. I want you to come home and find all the manhood you feel you lost in the rat race, the manhood you lost to aggressive police officers, the manhood you lost bowing and scraping to The Man. All the manhood you lose in this world, I want you to find it at home. Find it on my back, my stomach, my neck, my mouth, my touch. Take out your frustrations deep inside me. Let me be a woman, let me be overpowered, let me submit. Let's reacquaint ourselves with our primal instincts, our genetic pecking order too long suppressed by social evolution.

WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT

We may act like strong, independent women who don't need nothing from nobody. Most of us are fatherless girls who would like nothing more than a man to take control, for once, in our lives. Whatever guys want to be in the street is fine; just be a man at home so I don't.

_________

Again, kudos to the author.

Time Travel

What if it really was possible to time travel? I'll barrage you with the usual assault - if it was you, how would you handle it; what would you change; what would you do; where/when would you go?

I can't honestly say that I wouldn't participate in such a thing. I guess I'm one of the strong believers in the mantra that things happen for a reason. How would people that agree with that saying approach the literal encounter of time travelling? And even further, what exactly is time travelling? Can the absence of time be considered time travel? What if time stood still, could the absence of travelling through time be another way to classify time travel?

Seriously though folks, what would you change? It's like that movie Mr. Destiny... how one thing can change and it would redirect the entire timeline of someone's life. Would anyone be enlightened... or evolved... or self aware enough to identify that one instance that would remake the entire world? What if you were wrong?

I will admit that many times I have wished that I could go back in time with Mr. Military. Hold my temper for another 10 minutes and not go postal on him. Wonder what my life would be like today, if we'd still be together or if our fate had lead us down different paths. I wonder if we'd be married, if I'd have been able to convince him that there is a person out there in the world that loves him enough to have children with him. I wonder what our location would be, would we still be apart or would our persistence have prevailed?

What about the other guys? Would I be so arrogant to believe that not only could I have changed my destiny with Mr. Military but I could change my destiny with everyone else? That it wouldn't matter what they did within the relationships, that it would solely matter on what I did in the relationship that was the deciding factor. That I had the ability to change the entire pathes of not just one person but two.

Does that yet again bleed over into other people's lives? Can any one person be arrogant enough to believe that they have the power to change how another person lives their life? Can it be said that the actions that I take while driving down the street will dictate what will happen to an individual across town... across the state... or across the country?

Even though it would be ideal to say that you alone have the ability to dictate your destiny, I am a firm believer in the fact that you are a product of both your environment and your upbringing.

If anyone has ever read the book "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" then you'll understand where I'm coming from. That book, in all it's possible heresy, provided a new idea in my own mind. An idea that sparked other ideas and led a provocative succession of changes in my own point of view.

For instance... I was always raised with the idea that when you die, you are judged. You are chosen to be among the blessed and live in Heaven or you are declared to be one of the damned and live in Hell for the rest of eternity. What if that's not the way it happens? What if, in that instance of you dying, you are shown the previous events in your life that made you the individual you'd be known for? Would the be transporting your body to a different place, time travel, or your soul/spirit evolving into something different?

I guess what I'm asking isn't really as simple as I had set out to prove. If approaching the thought of time travelling in a completely literal way, how would you approach it? The next question I would be asked if approached in such a way would be if it was only possible to go backwards of if going backwards and forwards could happen.

What do you think?

I have a new favorite word...

...and it's name is Pithy.

Yes, the word pithy came to me on a routine channel flipping hour. While browsing channels 32-42 (I pay for 800 channels but I only watch 10, wtf is that?) I came across "What Not to Wear" and found a girl very similar to myself as the showcase horror story.

Whatever.

Apparently, Ms. Fashion Distaster has a taste in pithy shirts as much as I do and when she exclaimed that to Clinton and Stacy (I hope that's their names anyways) I fell in love. First with the word, and then with the tshirt.

Pithy seems to be the perfect word for me. Not only does it describe the tshirts that I choose to wear but it also describes the way I live my life. No longer will I be stuck considering myself as terse!

Pithy, Aphoristic, Terse, Poignant...

Kissing... aka The Best Thing in the World.

And damn, aren't first kisses the best?

Anyone that knows me (which is hard since I'm trying my damndest to be Anonymous) knows that my tastes in TV shows is a little... off. But I really like this show in VH1 called #1 Single showing Lisa Loeb look for a man.

It's refreshing to see a celebrity fuck up just as much as us mere mortals do. Be shy, intimidated, perturbed, and the like. It's especially nice that they have the nuts to put it on TV. To each their own, right?

But this last episode showed one of the best first kisses that I've seen. Maybe because it wasn't a movie kiss or some other form of a pretend kiss. But it was fantastic... you could tell that she got chills off of it. I mean, usually when you're just starting to date a guy you two have to practice how the other person likes to be kissed and hopefully find common ground. But it 'looked' like they didn't need to. Now, does this mean that the first kiss means everything and that since they had such an ideal first kiss that they're destined for marriage? No. But it would be nice.

I'm primarily known as not th easiest person to get around. Dating makes me damn near nauseous... I don't see why I can't just pick my guy out of a catalog, but oh well. None the less, first kisses are the best and I am one of those girls that believe that you can tell 99.9% of the relationship by the first kiss. Kissing is so important in my opinion, that if the guy can't kiss I won't sleep with him.

If it's done right, kissing is better than sex.

First is the setting. Now, going back through my first kisses - which aren't many but enough to preserve my dignity - I've had some really good ones and some really bad ones.

I've had 3 first kisses with one guy before... which was interesting. I think that the most interesting part of it was to actually see how both of our styles had evolved each time. The first time, we were youngins and to be honest with you I don't really remember that FIRST kiss but I remember our first heavy make out session (I wasn't NEARLY ready to have sex at that age, so making out was as good as it got). Heh, that session became a joke of ours for years to come. Up and Over! Don't mind that, just reminiscing. But I distinctly remember just a little too much... fervor. It was like we were trying to be movie stars or something and in retrospect it was just goddamn hilarious.

The second time, we were a bit older. It was about 5 degrees outside and we were outside of a restaurant at 9:30 at night (my curfew was 9 pm). It was a banner first kiss. Sweet, warm, not excessively slobbery, and it was sincere. I could hardly drive home... my knees were still wobbling as I was driving. Over time we had a few reunion kisses. One REAL good reunion kiss.

Third time, we had both had a little too much to drink. It was like... we've been together for so long, that we totally know how to do this. We knew what the other person likes, we knew what the other person didn't like. We just knew and it was hot. I wish I could remember more of it but sadly that whole drinking thing kinda put a damper on it.

But this guy... wow. He could bring me to my knees with just a kiss. It's hard to describe. When a woman doesn't want to have sex we're either tired, or we've got a headache, we don't feel good... whatever. This guy could kiss me when I was tired WITH a headache and I'd be looking for the nearest bedroom. Haven't found a guy that could kiss like him just yet. I'm still searching thoroughly though :)

I had one first kiss that was horrid. He was a friend of a friend, yadda yadda. Nice guy and all, and we were mutually interested in each other. He ended up coming into town with our mutual friend and I was in his hotel room until 1 am one night. Well, I left wanting to kiss him but I didn't... I chickened out. As I'm leaving I call a friend and he tells me to just go back and do it so I did. Maybe I hyped myself up so much that I was overly disappointed or what... I don't know. All I know is that it was one of the shortest first kisses I've ever had and that I left right afterwards. You're supposed to use your tongue playfully and not just put it in the girl's mouth and leave it there.

I was dating one guy where we would give each other a lot of little pecks but we would hardly ever kiss. No wonder I was so ick about him... if I couldn't bring myself to kiss him like that, how was I going to continue with the relationship? I think there was only one real kiss that we had,k it was Valentine's Day and he had to go to work so I cooked something real quick at my house. Anyways, we're outside at his car and he's leaving. It was nice. No wobbly knees or aything. Just nice.

There was one where I was telling him about a scar on my nose and when he got closer to me to take a look he kissed me. Sitting in my car, making out in front of the bar. Real high class there. Since I had known him for all of 2 days, it was ok. Technique was good, no excessive spit that gathers on your bottom lip, and the move in was executed with originality. But I swear, if I don't even know your last name do NOT go grabbing my tits in the car while you're trying to kiss me. Damn, maybe I am a prude?

I remember kissing my first guy ever. Too much tongue, too much spit... just all around bad. Whatever, I was 13. I was adept at a young age when it came to kissing.

What is a good first kiss... or kiss period? People ususally think that a kiss worth having has to involve tongue. Now, I'm not down with sticking your tongue in someone's mouth... there are better uses for it. I hate it when Person A is thinking about just giving a kiss like a peck on the lips and Person B is thinking French Kiss so Person B goes in with an open mouth and Person A is grossed out. That's happened to me a few times but thankfully in both situations, I was with a guy that I was comfortable around so we just laughed about it. Don't ever start a kiss with an open mouth... that's just wrong. Start with closed lips, then continue to kiss softly opening your mouth little by little. I had one guy that would LOVE it when I ran my tongue around his lips lightly... always a good move and it reminds them of other things ;)

Other than that, you just have to know your woman. I guess I'm diverse in that aspect. I've been grabbed and pushed up against a wall roughly while being priviledged to the softest lips ever.... I think he conditioned his lips before we went to bed or something.

I've had a guy wrap his arms around me and pull me as close to him as humanly possible... you couldn't have fit an atom between us.

I've had one guy pin my arms above me against a car in front of my work while our fingers interlocked. This was on the hood of my car, by the way. It was hard not getting into the back seat but a girl's gotta earn a living.

I've had on guy try to be a polite gentleman and keep his hands around the small of my back. As they started to slip down, he grabbed me by the backside, picked me up and put me on top of the kitchen countertop. It's odd how just that quick little shot of adrenaline makes things better.

I've had one guy give me a quick peck on the cheek, then as I'm walking away he grabs me and gives me a quick peck on the lips. When I'm walking away again a second time, he grabs me again. And it successively gets better and better until I really do have to go.

It's almost as if kissing is the key into most girl's pants, maybe even their hearts too. If it's done right, kissing is honestly better than sex.

Man vs. Woman

You know, I'm getting really Goddamn tired of hearing men bitch about women and women bitch about men. We're all wrong, dammit and the sooner you learn that, the sooner you'll start getting along.

This isn't really a revelation that came to ONLY me, but it is something that I was thinking about recently regarding the whole 'human nature' thing.

Men try to excuse their lack of desire for exclusivity by showing that since the dawn of time a man's purpose was to spread his 'seed' and procreate to carry on his lineage.

Ok, gotcha. Becuase cavemen had to make sure other lil caveboys came into the picture that gives you the right to fuck around on your wife, right? Riiiight.

Conversely, women's role in the world is to nurture and provide for her lineage. Now, why would she carry on her lineage with some one legged caveman that can't hunt or even climb a tree for fruit and vegetable gathering? No... of course she would go with the provider, the one that can do all of those things.

So, before you men bitch that all a woman wants out of a man is money please remember.... you get to cheat because it's in your genetic code. We get to use a man for his money because we're looking for providers.

Booyah and shut the hell up.

Candide

Anyone ever read that book?

I was supposed to read it in High School. I think I did read all of it. But I bought a copy a while ago and I have NEVER gotten through more than half of the book. I came across a blog a while ago that I enjoy.

http://diaryofmydivorce.blogspot.com/

Her quote of the day was from Candide. (Voltaire being the person who wrote it)

I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it. Voltaire.

Doing a little bit of research on this quote to get some background I'm astonished to find that no one realizes that Voltaire didn't SAY the damn quote, he wrote it. Now, I think Prof. Pangloss said it but it may have been Candide. For such intellectuals, opening a damn book might help. Seeing as how this book was one of the most notable of all of Candide's writings.

Anyways, back on topic. I try to read classic lit with a high lighter. Notate some things that catch me eye and next time I go to read it, take a look at it and see what I caught and what I didn't, etc. Just try to be literary and all. I remember highlighting this portion and then reading it as the Quote of the Day on her blog make me thing.

How can I attribute this to my own life... if I can attribute it at all?

I'm going through my life and trying to figure it out and all I can come up with is this: I'm an American. If there is any country in this world that would stand for this quote it would be Americans.

At night, it's hard for me to turn my mind off and get some sleep. On Yahoo, I'll play Gin or Bingo or Blackjack or something to bore me into sleeping. Well, somehow I got into a game with someone from Spain. Didn't speak a lick of English and I can't speak Spanish on a toddler's level. She kept asking something that my little translator couldn't figure out. Finally I got it - she wanted to know what country I was from. When I told her that I was American she lol'd and that was it. It got me thinking....

(C'mon stay with me, I know I go off on tangents a lot)

I worked in an ice cream store when I was in high school. The September 11th disaster happened about a week into my Senior year. Right around the time I was becoming more aware of what was going on in the world and not just in my little section of it. This store had it's front and one side completely encased in windows. About 2 weeks after September 11th there were about 4 individuals walking on the other side of the street. My co-worker and best friend at the time had made some comments about them completing the bombings and calling them names (by the way they were dressed we could tell that they were from a middle eastern culture but nothing else). Now, if you really think about it there is no way that THOSE 4 people could be complete the bombings because they're walking around and the people that did it are dead. Secondly, her automatic assumption that because they had long bears and were wearing clothes that identified themselves as foreigners that they had something to do with it. I wasn't angry but I was irritated. My thought was "No wonder they call us ignorant you f'ing moron, it's becuase of people like you".

I think you could even call that event a defining moment in my life. From then on I tried not to be ignorant about the world around me. I began dating a man that was in the military and it opened my eyes even moreso than her air headed comment.

So what exactly about me makes me identify with the quote? Small town mentality, the fact that I dated military, or just because of the fact that I'm American and it's what we do. American's ALWAYS get into other people's shit. Korea, Vietnam, Kuwait invasion, etc. I wish that Americans would become a little bit more imperialistic and keep to them selves instead of trying to act like a world police. It's a double edged sword.

Take ANY foreign incident in history. If the Americans were part of it there was someone bitching that we needed to stay out of it. If the Americans stayed out of it there was someone bitching that we didn't do enough. Can't make them all happy, so who is going to try any more.

I'll admit that I'm a little happy that President Bush is pissing some people off. Now, am I happy about the results (death, etc)? Of course not. There's not a whole lot of things I like Pres. Bush for but I can tell that he really DOES care for this country. Unfortunately, he just doesn't know the best way to protect it.

My military guy once told me: You can support us (military) without supporting the war.

And I did from that point on.

Regardless of how I feel about my exboyfriend now, I do respect him for his military service.

Who would think that Candide and 2 million US Military personnel would have something in common.

I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it.

Oh and Voltaire also said some other gems of literature:

• To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
• If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
• It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
• Anything too stupid to be said is sung.
• This agglomeration which was called and which still calls itself the Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire.

I kinda fell off the bloggin bandwagon

I got my tarot cards read recently by a novice that was very nice. To be honest, it kind of freaked me out. Now, I do have a tendency to be interested in the magical and mystical but that doesn't necessarily mean that I believe in it. All things taken with a grain of salt in my opinion. I think that a Tarot card reading doesn't necessarily reveal your future but make you more cognizant of what's going on around you so that you don't get struck off guard. It's an eye opener and this particular event opened my eyes. It didn't make me so enlightened; I'll equate it to getting slapped in the face by a 5 year old. It's more shocking than painful. It'll open your eyes for a brief moment before you turn back to reality again.

First off she said that I needed to find a creative outlet. Now, I thought I was doing ok when I had started writing this thing. Who reads it? Probably no one, but no matter. I get to put my unfiltered thoughts out there and that's something that I enjoy. So I'm going to try and be a little more attentive to my updates on this and maybe that will make me a little easier to live with.

She said that I think very poorly of myself because of my actions and that I shouldn't be doing that. When I spoke to someone else about this, they equated me to a modern day Robin Hood. Yes, I cheat, lie, fight and am all around shady but I do it to help people. They can't get it on their own, and so I have to step up and do it. She told me that instead of thinking that I'm such a horrid person that I should focus on the REASONS I do what I do instead of the actual ACTIONS of what I'm doing. For once, I have an example of bad actions producing good results. My mother would be proud.

After we got over the whole 'you're not going to go to Hell for your job' thing she told me to take it easy at my job a little more. She 'saw' that I incorporate a lot of the personality I have at work into my personal life; that I work a little too much, too. I like to think that I am one way in the office and a total different way when I'm not in the office. I find it amazing that I will end up meeting people in our 'off time' and they'll perceive me in a whole different light. Once a bitch, now a sweetie. Of course there are those that just like my bitchy side :) Essentialy, she told me to just take it easy and not take myself so seriously. I'm on a 12 step program for it. I'm seeing small but significant success.

The last thing that she said was really the defining shocker. She said that my family will be ok and that they don't need me the way I think they need me.

For so long I've put myself in a rut. I've made it so that my family is the most important thing to me. I broke up from my boyfriend at their advice (which ended up to be good advice but I would've liked to enjoy the smooth ride we had going a little longer instead of getting on the damn roller coaster). I've essentially been the bouncher for my family and it turns out that they didn't even need me like that. If it's true, that's a hard realization to come to. My sinking feeling is that it is true.

Throughout this last reveleation she revealed that my family can see that I'm unhappy and that it's making them unhappy. The fact that I'm the one that tries to protect them from being unhappy and I'm the purpose of their unhappiness was painful. She said that I need to start living for me and not for everyone else. I can't help everyone I work with, I can't shield my entire family but I can do something that makes ME happy.

That's what I'm going to try to do.

No more working until 8 o'clock at night. I'm out by 7 o'clock at the latest (hey, I gotta start somewhere!)

No more coming into the office on weekends. No one else is there, there's not reason for me to be there.

I will however need to make it IN to the office at a decent hour >.<

No more: It's family dinner tonight so I can't go out. I'll grub, say my thanks, and take off.

I'll start looking for a new place to live.


If my family loves me as much as I love them, they'll stand behind me. And maybe buy me housewarming gifts.

Is what's good for you really better?

It's been a few days since I wrote down this topic and then actually began to write about it, so forgive a little... scatterbrained'ness :)

I don't know if it was through a conversation, something that I read, or something that I heard on TV but it makes me wonder. If something is good for us, does that really mean that it's better?

Now, we can obviously argue the obvious points. Grey Goose > Smirnoff but that doesn't mean it's good for you. Camel > Parliament but that doesn't mean it's good for you.

I'm talking mainly about the emotional and/or social aspects of this argument. An example, eh? Ok, let me think.... breaking up with a person (significant other) that you don't love may be good for you but is it really better for you?

I guess the argument is a little like apples and oranges. What's good for you NOW may not be better for your LATER. I had that with a boyfriend... only the opposite and I've very recently realized that it was such. At the time, breaking up with him was the right thing but I didn't believe it was better for me. Now, I believe that breaking up with him was better and it's been good for me. It's the little revelations in life that really make it worth living, isn't it?

Even moreso, it got me thinking about how else I could apply this. Because, after all, this blog is about many things. Punctuation, however, is not one of those things.

So, what other revelations can we uncover? I'm open to suggestions.

On the flip side, however, we always have that sinking sensation to do something bad. Isn't that why girls always go for the bad boys? Girls want something that they shouldn't have which makes it that much sweeter when we get a taste. Don't get me started on chocolate.

But think about it.... and let me know.

Ramblings of a Wannabe Insomniac

Wow, I've got a lot of stuff going through my head right now and I don't think anything that I'm going to write is even worth reading. But here goes:

I can't get this one guy out of my head. He usually calls and wakes me up, so he's the first thing in my head. We'll call each other while I'm at work so I think about him at work. And I call him when I'm on my way home so he's captured my nights too. There is just something about this guy. It's like - there are guys that meet 50% of your "What I'm Looking for in a Man" criteria. This guy meets about 90% of it. And before all you idealists come out of the woodwork - very rarely does a man meet all 100% of the criteria. He's kind, he knows how to have fun, he's laid back, he was raised with manners, he's gorgeous, he's a roughneck, and he's affectionate. He's the kind of guy where you don't want to wait until he makes a move. You're all over it.

Here's the problem: He lives 1300 miles away. And I've only seen him once for about a week while he was on my couch. He keeps saying that he's going to move to the same city, but I think that's just a pipe dream. Men have a tendency to say what they think women want to hear. But, he'll be here in about a month which gives me enough time to figure out what's going on between us. It's not like I can call him up and say 'Hey, we need to have a serious conversation' because it's not at that point yet. I guess I just have to wait, see how things play out. And at this point, I can totally handle a Friends w/ Benefits thing. Boyfriends are cool and all but sometimes they can get expensive. Especially when they're 1300 miles away.

It's past 1 am now and I'm not even tired. I could read, or do more shopping. It's a damn shame when I have cash in my pocket... I spent way too much $$ today. I think I shopped for damn near 5 hours. Hey, I like a good shopping spree and all but c'mon!

I think I'm going to go and check out Old Navy, I love that store.